New Kink Unlocked

Elle and I had a really, really good evening last night. A good, long talk concerning the topics from my last two blog posts. After that we played and fucked and cuddled for a good.. Five hours, maybe more. Glorious! I don't think we've had an evening like that since she moved into her new place. I felt so much closer to her, more accepted. Loved. It was wonderful. 

I wrote just over a month ago about a new kink I'd unlocked: Watersports. I never really got the point before, but now that I can involve a dick on my end all of a sudden it makes sense. So much sense. It's something Elle is really interested in too, but haven't actually tried with a partner before.. So that's somethinig we'll be working towards. Part one will be for me to practice standing up to pee, both alone (to get familiar with that use of pelvic flood muscles) and with her (to get familiar with peeing standing up with her present). 

Once I'm used to that, we'll probably use it in a session. Peeing on her, while she's kneeling in front of me (probably IN the shower, because fucking hell anything else just isn't practical!). Seeing it run down her head and back, seeing the humiliation in her eyes as she's used like nothing more than a pee post. Then ordering her to clean herself up, like the dirty girl she is. This scenario is really appealing, and not something that would have turned me on much in the past. 

That "unlocking" of a new kink happened just over a month ago. It's exhausting to think you've got yourself figured out, only to realize that both gender, sexual orientation and now even sexual preferences are completely up in the air. I feel this very strongly right now, because last night, I unlocked another kink. (This one gendered too, like everything is these days.)

I suddenly see the appeal of age play. 

I've known about age play ever since I entered the scene at 18, and once I talked to some age players and learned more, I accepted it. Understood it on an intellectual level. I never "got" the appeal, though. Not on an emotional level. I especially never understood the appeal for the Big/Adult in the scene. 

Now I do. 

Elle has very carefully hinted that she's a bit into this for a few weeks. Not pushing, just mentioning it in passing. Last night, while cuddling and doing aftercare, she started sucking on my thumb. Now, she's sucked my fingers before, in that "this is a dick-substitute"-kind of way, which is hot of course.. But this was different. This was in the "cuddling child sucks her thumb"-kind of way. I realized what was going on immediately, and it felt... Right. So I called her "my good, little girl", and felt her melt into my arms. (I've called her a "good girl" a lot, which she likes, but it was the "little" that made the difference this time.)

I'm a sucker for reactions. Any sort of reaction, really, but especially positive reactions. To see her cuddle deeper into my arms, tension draining from her body, hear her slight sigh.. That was magical. 

We talked about it a few minutes later, still cuddling close, and she told me she felt a need for that safety. For someone else to be responsible, for her to feel cared for and held. She doesn't really care for the "sit on the floor and doodle in a kid's drawing book" kind of stuff (she enjoys drawing, but that wouldn't feel kinky). I don't really see the appeal in that either. However, I find a lot of appeal in the traditional, really dirty and taboo gender roles that this sort of play gives room for. 

I want to play that dirty older man who defiles a young, innocent, pure, little girl. The preacher who attacks the girls in Sunday School. The uncle who holds the young niece on his lap, while she squirms... Both with embarrassment, discomfort and a new-found desire. I want to be called "Sir", want her to beg me to stop, as she tries to pull down her skirts or cover herself. I'll laugh and order her hands away, the strip her bare for the world to see. I want her to blush, hating it and loving it at the same time. 

This all feels INCREDIBLY taboo. Age play absolutely is, but having actual young kids at home myself makes it a lot worse. I know, intellectually, that there's absolutely no link between age play and pedophilia... Yet I also know how society as a whole views these kinds of kinks. And I carry a shit ton of internalized -phobia, shame, because of that. Yet there isn't anything wrong with sexual role play between consenting adults, no matter the subject at hand. The fact that it is so taboo is probably also part of the appeal. (To be clear: I have absolutely no interest in actual kids like this. Absolutely not. Consenting adults is the only, ONLY way.) 

What's even more taboo is that I realized that I'm curious about putting her in diapers. Not for scat play, that doesn't appeal at all.. But I'm already curious about water sports and orgasm control, among other things, so this doesn't feel like such a stretch. I enjoy the thought of lubing up a finger, putting my hand down her diaper and checking that her insides are clean.. Enjoy stuffing a but plug in there, or some other toy, and watch her squirm as she can't stimulate herself. Enjoy the thought of putting her over my knee and spanking her for wetting her diapers. Talking of her bum, or tush, not her ass. Her "pee-pee" or similar childish term, not her dick or clit. 

But perhaps most of all, I've fantasized today about having her kneel on a bed or a stool, dressed up as a young girl. Then make her bend over for me, playing at her not knowing what's going on, some slight verbal protests, playing all innocent and pure for me... Then pull down her panties (not strings! proper panties!), exposing her bum.. Then fucking her. Fucking her until I come, then pulling up her underwear (maybe even diapers?) and completely ignoring the raging inferno of horniness that I've just ignited between her legs. Watching her squirm and moan. Telling her to stand up, curtsy, thank me for using her. Make her go about her day, lube still dripping from her hole, soiling her pantie or diaper.

That's today's fantasy. It feels so, so wrong... And so, so right. There's definitely a new kink unlocked.