This is a letter to Novice. I've rewritten this text six times now. This is the last version:
So it happened again.
I expressed a need, a fear, and by doing so also hurt you. And I get it, I think: When a partner says "I need us to do more of x" or "I want you to prioritize y", it's very easy to only hear criticism. To hear "you aren't good enough". That wasn't what I said, at all. But I'm guessing that's what you heard.
You're dighing yourself out of a depression these days. You need freedom to explore the things that bring you joy. The uncomplicated encounters with acquaintances, where no feelings or expectations are involved. Where the (real or imagined) risk of "failing" is low.
I recognize all that from when I started hooking up with War. I was also depressed then, trying to dig myself out. I couldn't do kink at all, because the pressure, the expectations was too much. But War was vanilla. He was a friend, one I didn't have any romantic feelings for. It was just physical, just joy. Easy. And it worked.
You're doing better these days, planning more activities. You've also played with quite a few different people these past couple of months.. (The two of us played a tiny bit at a party a couple of months back, but other than that nothing.)
So I asked for time to be set aside for us to play, or tie, or something. I also asked you to prioritize spending time with my kids. I told you I feel lonely and abandoned, and that I'm afraid I'm loosing you.
You got upset, saying I made it all about me. Demanding that I be happy you were doing better, in stead of asking you to do more things you don't want. ("Things you don't want". Like playing with me. Like getting to know the kids I hope to make a part of your family. Ouch.)
And of course I'm happy for you. That doesn't change that I feel the way I do. I'm afraid, and growing more afraid the more you distance yourself from me. I love you. I don't want to loose you.
I want us to get back to a more physical relationship, I want to do shibari more regularly and to connect more through kink. I also want to fuse our families closer together. I think you want that too, but you don't seem able to right now. I guess the expectations are too much for you.
I'm really, really worried that you're choosing everyone else, but me. T did the same, so I've been down this road before. I gave him his head, and prayed he'd come back to me eventually. He never did.
You were hurt by my request to prioritize us. I'm guessing both because I didn't see you or your feelings, in that situation... Didn't express joy for your progress... But also because you heard only criticism in my fears and needs.
So my feelings went unseen and my needs went unmet. But so did yours.
When you're hurt, you naturally protect yourself. You disengage, forcefully, never to return to the topic. Waiting for you to come back to the conversation, doesn't work. Because you don't. You seem to hope I'll forget the entire topic, if you just ignore it for long enough.
You also rarely appologize, or take shared responsibility for the hurt we've caused each other. Don't get me wrong, you say "I'm sorry" a lot. And you will insist "everything" is your fault. But that's the introspective, irrational, self-hating sort of sorry. It doesn't seem to have much to do with what happened, or really with me or my feelings. It's like I'm not even there, in a way.
This is how you seem to work, and it probably won't change. I'll rarely get to finish a difficult conversation with you, or have you come to me after a disagreement and try to work things out. No matter how much I wish it.
And that's ok. It's difficult for me, yes. But still ok. You're worth that difficulty. I love you. That's the part you don't seem to understand.
So I need to build up my own life, in parallell to you building up yours. Need to try to take care of my own needs as best as I can. Just like with Arthur, you can't take care of me, or reassure me, or support me. And I shouldn't expect you to. (Expectations are terrifying when you're depressed, I remember that well.) I can't lean on you, must give you space. And like a skittish horse, you might then come nosing around.
If I pressure you, try to box you in, you'll bolt for sure. So I'll have to keep being terrified of loosing you. That is inevitable. It's like the conclusion in the blog post I wrote the other day: I won't get what I need. That will not happen. But if I leave off, then you might get some of what YOU need. And in the long run, that could help both of us.
It's really, really difficult for me, and I'll probably keep stumbling. But hopefully, it'll be enough. You need to be given your head, free to run as you want. My needs, for now, are irrelevant. So just like with T, I can only wait, and love you, and hope that you come back to me. He didn't. But you might.
Like my psychologist said: "Sometimes you just have to choose to trust people."
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