Money, money, money

I've never been good with money. 

That doesn't mean I'm terrible with money. I've always paid my bills on time, I've always had enough money for rent, I've never gone hungry because I didn't have money at the end of the month. Compared to many people I've known, that's actually quite excellent with money. 

I've also always had good intentions. I've known that I should save money. But other than a few hundred crowns here and there, I've never been able to make significant headway. There just doesn't seem to be much money left, at the end of the month, and I've just left it at that. There hasn't been energy or initiative for anything more.  

My problem, I think, is that I've never actively tried to budget my way towards a financial goal. Because I haven't HAD to. There never seems to be enough spoons, so I've always prioritized other things. Since I've always had enough money for my day-to-day spending, the problem never seemed urgent enough. 

I realized yesterday that I can't rely on anyone else to solve my problems for me. I want to own my own place to live, to get stability for me and my kids. I was hoping that Novice would help me achieve that goal, would buy a place to live with me. But I can't be certain of that. She might be ready for that in a year or two or three or five, but she might not. She might decide that she doesn't want that sort of involvement in my family, after all. She might have grown tired of me, and left. 

I love her, I want to live with her, I want her to be an integrated part of my family. However, I also have to stand on my own two feet. I must build up my life, in parallell to hers, and hope that she chooses to come along.

From August, I'll see a significant drop in income. I'm not sure exactly how much, but rough estimates says a reduction of around 18% of my monthly pay (after taxes). Continuing the way I have up until now, isn't really sustainable. Changes need to happen, especially if I also want to start saving more each month. So I've started budgeting, using YNAB (You Need a better Budget). I got lucky: A friend shared her account with me, so I didn't have to pay for it myself. 

For now, I'm mostly mapping out what I'm actually spending money on. Trying to get an idea of what my budget needs to look like. I've looked at the reference budget the state uses to calculate expenses (SIFOs referansebudsjett), but the amounts there don't translate to how I live my life at all. I have a student loan and a car loan, for example. And who in their right mind spends that much money on clothes and shoes each month??

However, just having to be accountable to someone (even an app on my phone) is making me change my spending habits. (Just like I eat a lot less calories, if I start counting them, simply because I'm counting.) I've become more conscious in my spending. (Sure, I might WANT strawberries when I'm shopping for groceries, but do I actually need them?) I hope that this accountability in itself will enable me to start saving bigger portions of my income each month. 

How much do I need? As a single parent, which is what I would be in this worst-case scenario, I wouldn't normally be permitted to buy the sort of place I really want. The loan would be way too high for me to handle. I can choose between buying a significantly smaller place (which doesn't work well with two growing kids), move somewhere much more rural (not fucking happening), or save up much, much more money so that I'll need a smaller loan. (Or get a better paying job, or in some other way augment my income, but there are absolutely no spoons for that scenario at the moment.)

I don't know if I'll be able to do this. It takes willpower, tenacity, the ability to stick to a plan over time. All are things I'm struggling with, because of my mental health issues. But I won't know unless I try. The worst thing that can happen is a significantly reduced quality of life for many years, more stress, and more mental health issues... For nothing. But the best case scenario is that I'll be able to buy a place to live in... I don't know? 8-10 years, maybe? At best. 

That feels like such a long time to remain in this limbo state, not having a predictable future or a secure place to live. I crave stability NOW, not in another decade! But since I can't travel back in time, and start saving money 10 years ago, at least I can start now. If I don't do anything, I can be certain that nothing will improve. Seen in that light, I have absolutely nothing to loose.