This is part 2, look here for part 1.
Saint and T were both obviously better off with me than without me. At least at first, when we became a couple. I could contribute things they weren't getting anywhere else, and had an obvious value to them. Anything from practical life-skills and knowledge, to sex/kink experience and social status, among many other things.
Novice doesn't need me in the same way. She is incredibly independent, and proud of her ability to take care of herself. She's also good at making friends, and have many people in her life who care about her. She even have friends providing all the kink- and bondage- experiences she might want. She doesn't need or want that from me. If I hadn't been in her life, these things would have been exactly the same for her.
There are some things I might have sped up slightly, like her getting hrt or a functioning feminine wardrobe. However, she's perfectly capable of getting these things on her own, or with the help of friends. At best, I've sped up that process with maybe 6 months, and now that it's done there's nothing more left for me to do. The rest of the stuff I've done, like upgrading her apartment's lighting, organizing her closets, or cleaning out her balcony, are things she didn't personally see a need for. It's mostly for my comfort, not hers.
She's more intelligent than me, in many areas is more knowledgeable than me, she's got a supportive family, more status, more money, and greater social skills than me. So what do I do for her, other than cause her mental anguish, increased guilt and anxiety attacks? And if I'm not useful, then what even am I? What's the point of even being near me?
I love her, sure, but she doesn't believe that anyway. So I don't see how that can count, when she makes her own reckoning of my worth. Part of the time, she isn't even certain she loves me back, as far as I understand. Yes, a reckoning. I did one, a judging of the pros and the cons of our relationship. Autistic as I am, I naturally assume that everyone does that.
The pros are easy: I love her deeply, desperately. I want every part of her that she will give me, and I want to be with her for as long as she'll let me. She brings so much light into my life, so much joy. She brings me learning and wonder, growth and curiosity. I wrote a whole blog post about this in March last year, so I won't repeat myself here. All of that is still true, and more.
And yes, she also causes me anxiety. Makes me worry. Makes me aware of my own faults, and shines a light on all the ways I'm less than I want to be. But that's also valuable to me, that's how I grow and develop as a human and as a partner. She makes me want to be better, do better. So it's hard and uncomfortable, which is a con, but she's also making me grow, which is a pro.
And yes, she has a whole bunch of demons she's fighting. She has stated explicitly that she might never be a truly equal partner to me, in terms of taking care of my kids or running that household. She will get insomnia again, she will likely get depressed again, "it just has to be done" will not be enough for her to actually get out of bed sometimes. As I've also concluded in two recent blog posts, she doesn't always have the capacity to take care of my needs. She barely has the capacity to deal with her own.
And I can't promise, definitely, that our relationship will survive until old age. I might not be able to endure a chronically depressed partner for years and years. (After all, I lost patience with T eventually.) But seeing the facts as they stand NOW, looking at my feelings, at how our relationship works, all that she does for my well-being.. Reckoning the pros and the cons... It's worth it. I choose it. Last fall was the first time I truly did this reckoning, with as open eyes as one can have when looking at someone you're in love with, and came to the same conclusion then: That it's worth it. She's worth it. I want it, want her. I choose her. With open eyes, I choose her.
I love her.
And I'm absolutely terrified of loosing her.
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