"It can always get worse"

For the past... I don't know? 6 months at least, I've begged Novice to work with me. To work on turning this ship around, work on our relationship, our communication, or attachment issues (she's avoidant, I'm disorganized). Because of past trauma, because of our childhood not being seen or understood, any sort of connection or vulnerability feels dangerous. True connection with a partner makes us instinctively want to protect ourselves. Escape.

I've worked on my end of it, but can only come so far without a partner who wants to work with me. And she says she's tried. Even though I can't really see much of it, I still believe her. She says she can't try any more, she doesn't want to, and I can't force her.  

She's convinced that she's fundamentally broken, that there's no real point in trying anything because she's bound to fail anyway. Yes, it's a mind weasel, typical of someone with an avoidant attachment style. That doesn't make it feel less real. Everything she tries to achieve is an uphill battle, fighting her own conviction all the way. Just staying alive is for her an uphill battle!

We don't talk about it much, but it still looms in the back of my mind... It's like with Saint: If pushed too far, if I ask for too much, I risk their mental health deteriorating. Saint might flip from bipolar 1 to bipolar 2, going psychotic if his mental health deteriorates too far. Novice might give in to her more-or-less chronic depression. She already spends so much energy every single day resisting that darkness, choosing life. Making her mental load greater is the last thing I want.

(She's nothing like Corvus, by the way. He was often talking about ending his own life, as a cry for help. Novice won't talk about it at all, unless pushed to it. Doesn't want the attention. She probably won't ever have "attempts" either...)

She told me just the other day that she was terrified of making herself really vulnerable, working on her attachment issues with me, only to fail. She feared that failure would make her mental heath worse. Personally, I also think that's why she started pulling away from me in the first place: We were getting serious, she was starting to believe that she actually had me. Starting to trust me. And that upped the stakes, made the potential fall, the potential for failure, so much greater. I think that terrified her. She pulled back, because she needed to protect herself. 

She told me: "If I try, and fail, it will get worse. It can always, ALWAYS get worse." She's been so tenacious, so brave, she's tried so hard, but in the end true vulnerability, being present in her body and her feelings, felt too dangerous for her. I can respect that. I have to respect that. I desperately don't want to make her life harder. 

I'd rather have her alive out there somewhere, than forcing her to stay with me, to keep fighting, and possibly face more dire consequences. I'd rather she live without me, and have the potential to become happy, than not live at all. 

I choose her, prioritize her, like I always have. 

This time, that means choosing to let her continue on without me.