I had a conversation with Novice today, which blew my mind a bit. It seems that most regular people DON'T go around thinking about their partner leaving them all the time. For me, that's a fairly common set of scenarios (yes, there are several versions of them) that run through my mind, many times per day.
I mentally prepare for things my brain deems to be not completely unlikely. So I've thought about what might happen if someone close to me kills themselves, for example. Or dies in an accident. Or get a terminal illness. Or gets dementia. Or if I die suddenly; what will the people around me need for things to go as smooth as possible?
There's a reason I have shared online documents with Saint containing stuff like insurance information and my most common passwords. Both he and Novice also have full access to my online health information, and can both make requests, send messages to my doctor, and look up information on my behalf. It just seemed prudent, in case something happens where I'm not able to take care of these things myself. I've also updated my Gmail, so those closest to me can get easy access to it once I'm gone.
The less likely scenarios aren't thought out in great detail. I've thought briefly about what might happen if there was a fascist coup in Norway, for example. But since that doesn't seem very likely, and I have practically no influence over such a scenario, it doesn't take up much brain power. Just like I thought about the possibility of a massive mud slide, after the mud slide in Eastern Norway a few years back... But it doesn't regularly take up space in my brain anymore, because it isn't likely and I can do very little to influence those events.
The higher the possibility of the scenarios are, the more often I think about them. And the more worried I am of the scenario, the more often I think about it. Novice breaking up with me ticks both those boxes. And there's another reason as well, that I don't really feel safe / at ease in my relationship with her: She doesn't seem to need me.
Continued in part 2
No comments:
Post a Comment