Mental illness is the cancer of the mind

I've come to realize that I've been brutally unfair towards Novice. Not on purpose, certainly, but it's still a big reason why we ended up as we did. 

Novice struggles with mental illness. I knew this, right from the start. However, I didn't understand the severity of her health problems or what they did to her. What they cost her. I assumed she was sort of like me, or other people I've known: Yes, depression sucks, but it's a temporary thing, and then you get better. Yes, anxiety can be a severe hindrance in your day-to-day life, but when you just have to do something you're mostly able to do it. I assumed that if she was a lot worse than this, she either wouldn't be able to function at all, or she would have a team of health professionals looking out for her. 

I was wrong.

She's tried medication, she's tried treatment, but what's helped her the most was finding friends, acceptance and experiences in the kink community. Combined with medical and social transition, obviously. She might get back into treatment sometime in the future, to deal with trauma and self-esteem issues, but isn't capable of going through anything like that at the moment. She's stable, functioning, but only barely. It doesn't take much to push her further towards that edge, and she protects herself by dissociating and isolating. Shutting herself off from both the external world, and her internal one. 

She gets a lot of energy and healing from being able to help others, from being a good friend, but she can only do this in moderation. She needs to be able to pull back and recharge, sometimes going days or even weeks between socializing. Having a partner live with you two thirds of the time, and being aware of you almost 100% of the time, gives NO room to pull back. She tried being a good partner to me, tried helping me and supporting me, but she just wasn't able to.

And that's ok. 

She feels terribly guilty. I think that's mainly caused by the stigma surrounding mental illness, the prejudice that we've all internalized: If she wasn't able to be a good, fulltime partner because she had cancer... A cancer which demanded she conserve her energy and focus on staying alive.. Most people wouldn't judge her for that. She'd probably still judge herself and still feel guilty, but at least she'd realize that she wasn't being relational. (And if it's irrational with cancer, it's also irrational with mental illness, in case that lesson wasn't completely obvious.)

Mental illness is the cancer of the mind. It's insidious. It can lay dormant for years, you can think you're healed and then go right back to being really sick again. It can also be completely debilitating and sometimes life-threatening. It takes a long time and a lot of energy to battle it, and it can spread throughout the body causing all sorts of physical problems. Some people get treated and then they're fine afterwards. Some people can never be fully cured. They just have to learn to live with the cancer, finding some stability and normality, despite the illness. That's how mental illness is. 

I've been horribly unfair. I asked for, and expected, my emotional needs to be met. I assumed that she would be able to re-prioritize in the same way I do, and that the cost would be worth it to her (like it was to me). I didn't realize how much effort it takes her just to stay alive. To stay stable. I've compared it to being asked to run stairs with both legs broken. Yes, running up stairs is hard for me, but in this metaphor it isn't even possible for her. 

We've both said things like "there are no spoons" when we're tired, depressed and out of energy.. But I realize now that "out of spoons" REALLY didn't mean the same thing to her as it did to me. Yes, we're both spoonies, but she is SO much worse off than I am. Spoonies come on a spectrum too. Understanding what I (think I) do now, makes me astounded that she's able to function at all. It makes me in awe of her strength, her tenacity, and her will to live. (If heathy people had even an inkling how strong someone with chronic mental health problems have to be, mental illness wouldn't be stigmatized at all.)

She is convinced she's broken. And reading this, she'll probably convince herself that I'm saying she should never have a romantic partner again. That's wrong. That's not what I'm saying. She's a wonderful girlfriend and an amazing person. Anyone being given her love and devotion would be lucky to have her in their life. Things aren't always either black or white, the truth is somewhere in the gray. 

I think the main issue is one of pacing. She actually said so herself, yesterday: That we might have worked better if we'd also had other partners. I don't know if that would have worked out for me, I tend to hyperfocus when I fall in love... But she argued that I might not fall so completely if we ever were to get together again, years from now. I've never tried getting back together with a former partner, so I don't know... But she might be right. 

Given her current mental health status, I think she needs more space and quiet than what I gave her. She can absolutely be someone's girlfriend, but she also needs substantial alone-time to recharge. And she needs to know that her partner can get many of their emotional needs met elsewhere. Otherwise, her guilt will consume her. Solo-poly might be more her schtick, at least for now. 

In the future, when she's through her transition, back to work, and perhaps have worked on her attachment issues some more.. Worked on her childhood trauma, learned to be more present in her body, not dissociate as quickly.. When she has more spoons available.. All that might have changed. For now, those bones need to heal. She needs to focus on battling that cancer. 

She feels guilty, feels like she's fundamentally broken. She's wrong. She's injured, not broken. Injuries heal, given time and care. She's finally in a place now, knowing herself and having more access to her emotions, where that healing can begin. 

The most important step a person can take isn't the first one, it's the next.