The Sword of Damocles

As the astute reader might understand from my most recent posts, I'm not surprised that Novice decided to leave me today. Some of that, of course, is because of my fundamental (broken) conviction that I'm abandonable. That I'm undeserving of love unless I'm useful, and even then it's only a temporary thing. I will never be loved for my own sake, and no one will keep me around if they don't need me for anything. And Novice doesn't need me. 

However, my own lack of self-confidence isn't all. Another aspect is this blog: I've started recognizing that when relationships get rocky, and I start blogging about fights or disagreements often.. That's a sign of a relationship about to end. For Novice and I, those posts started over a year ago! 

Read the last 10 or so blog posts before my relationship with Giant ended, and you see the end coming. Same with Dane, and with Elle, the same pattern emerges. To be clear: The fighting isn't really the main issue. The red flag, I think, is when I have to use the blog to regulate my emotions afterwards. I need to write, because I can't rely on my partner to help me repair the relationship or help me put myself back together. 

T and I had plenty of fights back in our day (same with Saint), but I rarely wrote about them because we usually found back together again by the end. I don't think we ever went to bed angry, at least not as far as I can remember. I've also had fights (usually at the end of a relationship) where I just didn't have strong enough feelings for my partner to get so distraught. In both those cases, I didn't need the blog as an outlet.

I HOPED that Novice and I could beat the pattern. We've had those falling outs again and again for over a year. She told me, very early on in our relationship, that she would leave me if we ended up fighting a lot. (I later called that threat the "Sword of Damocles", hanging over my head as a warning of imminent doom. Being abandoned is a fundamental fear I have, after all.)

Yet I hoped we could beat the pattern, and avoid that hanging sword. And yes, we DID progress. She didn't disappear as completely or for as long these past six months. Didn't get as completely non-verbal as before. I also didn't push her as far, was quicker to pull back, to stop, to apologize. I'd hoped that consciously and honestly working on our issues, could make us overcome them. However, that didn't happen. Not quickly enough.

I care deeply about Novice. Love her, so, so much. Yes, she's flawed and quirky, and that's precisely part of what makes me love her so. I've trusted her like I've never been able to trust anyone before. We're both flawed, and yet we worked so, so well together in so many ways. I've loved being with her, I'm so happy she's been my girlfriend. If given a choice, I'd still choose this. Choose her.

However, it needs to be said: She could not meet all my emotional needs either. Not for lack of will, or lack of trying! She just didn't have the capacity to be a good partner to me, and at the same time take care of herself.

I've seen her tear up a few times, but I've never seen her cry. She says that whenever she gets anywhere near such strong emotions, they're immediately suppressed. She just dissociates instead. From the very start, we weren't able to co-regulate when both of us we were sad or in distress. She'd pull back completely, need space and quiet. If I didn't push, she'd never pick the subject back up, leaving a whole host of unfinished conversations. There was no space for my emotional needs in that relationship. Yes, I trusted her. With my life. But not with my emotions, not in the end. 

Novice pulled back from me, because she didn't feel safe. I realize now that didn't feel safe either, didn't feel like my emotions were acceptable to her. (Wasn't even sure if my body was acceptable to her.) I was just willing to live with that unsafety, in a different way that she was. I was willing to put my needs aside, at least for quite a while longer. That's how disorganized attachment works, after all: People pleasing, in the desperate hope that they don't leave you. 

The fights weren't the problem, in the end, but they were a symptom. We weren't able to meet each other's emotional needs. Weren't able to make the other person feel emotionally safe. I wanted to work on that with her, but she didn't feel she could risk it. I don't blame her. If you're already on unsteady ground, you don't want to attempt unfamiliar acrobatics. 

Sometime in the future, I might be grateful to her. Grateful that she did what I couldn't, in putting her own emotional safety first. Cutting the string, letting the sword fall.

Sometime in the future, I'll probably be grateful to her. Today I'm just terribly, terribly sad to lose her. To have tried to build a future with her for over 1,5 years, only to have it turn to dust and ashes in my hands. Sad to lose our relationship, sad to lose the dream of us. Sad to lose her.

Sometime in the future, I'll be grateful to her. But not today.