Sexual awakening

My sexual awakening happened at a nudist beach, and involved a dick. 

I was 12,5 or 13,5 years old. I think 12,5 is the most likely. I'd been going to that beach for years with my parents, it felt familiar and safe when I was a kid. But as a kid, you're oblivious to a lot of things...

Before then, I'd been touching myself for years. Especially in the bath. I'd also been giving myself orgasms by rubbing my crotch against something firm, like straddling snow mounds or while in a saddle (on a horse). They weren't the mind-blowing, body-shaking stuff I get now, but they were nice. I enjoyed them. They didn't FEEL sexual though. Slightly forbidden in that "don't let people know what you're up to" - kind of way, sure.. But it was just something my body did, like breathing or speaking or shitting. Seeking pleasure felt natural.

That summer, things changed. 

Next to us, on that nudist beach, was an older man. I remember him as white-skinned, but very suntanned, somewhat wrinkled, and with a bit of a belly but otherwise fairly lean. Though to be fair, I'm not sure if "older" means 40ies or 60ies, I can't really recall. What I CAN recall, though, is his dick. He lay on his side, facing us.. Facing me.. And his dick was semi-errect. It felt as though he was looking at me. As though he was turned on by me. And I liked it. No, I loved it. 

He moved further away from us after a while (I guess my mom glared at him or something), but placed himself further down towards the surf.. Looking up, he would see right up our crotches. So I made sure to spread my legs a little. Not by much, I didn't want my mom to notice.. But enough. I remember this so, so vividly. The taboo, the excitement of being watched, all of it. 

This wasn't the first time I saw a dick. I've grown up in a fairly nudist household, we'd typically all share a bathroom in the morning. I'd seen my dad and my little brother naked lots of time. But to my recollection, it was the first time I saw a dick erect. 

I awakened something in me. Changed me. I realized later that this feeling was exhibitionism, and I kept exploring it later that summer and the summer after; Walking around in the forest near my home, in a short skirt and no underwear... Lying down to masturbate in secluded spots where I could imagine myself being watched. Enjoying the idea of being desired... (Perhaps because that had been such an impossible dream up until that point? I'd been bullied for most of my life, after all. I wasn't anyone's first pick for a girlfriend. In being desired, there's also a level of acceptance that I was craving.) 

Was I an exhibitionist? I'm sure I was, and still is.. But now I'm wondering if it might also have been something else. Was I projecting? Making my desire FOR a dick into a desire to be viewed BY someone with a dick? Or is that a stretch? 

Some of my most exhibitionist fantasies have turned out to be about gender after all: Like this fantasy I have about lots of people with dicks jerking off while watching me, preferably while standing over me... Well, lets just say it's not about the people. My focus is wholeheartedly on the dicks jerking off. And the more I focus on them, the less I care that they're watching me or have anything to do with me. I just fantasize about the jerking off - part. That's really what I want. A dick. 

I've already made this realization once before, regarding some cnc fantasies that were really about dysphoria... It would make sense if my exhibitionist fantasies were really about something else too.

I don't know... This feels like a stretch, and at the same time not. Feels like I'm onto something, but haven't quite hit bullseye yet. Will need to keep digging at this one for a while.