Numb little bug

Do you ever get a little bit tired of life
Like you're not really happy but you don't wanna die
Like you're hanging by a thread but you gotta survive
'Cause you gotta survive
Like your body's in the room but you're not really there
Like you have empathy inside but you don't really care
Like you're fresh outta love but it's been in the air
Am I past repair

That's the chorus to the song "Numb little bug" by Em Beihold, and it feels so fitting right now. I feel... Numb. I both have a frantic need for activity, to move, to do something.. And at the same time, I get SO easily overstimulated / overwhelmed.

I managed to cry, and I mean really sob, for a while yesterday evening. I think that was good for me. But before, and after, I've just been.. Off. Not depressed, not even particularly sad, just.. Distant. My body is in the room, but I'm not really there. 

Tried listening to sad, romantic break-up songs on the radio, but they don't really do anything for me. Because I'm NOT mad that Novice decided to leave me. I do NOT want to get back together with her, in our current states. And yes, it would probably be hard for me if she'd immediately gotten another romantic partner, but she HASN'T. So these songs just don't... Fit. There's no emotional resonance in me. They're missing the target. 

I have friends reaching out, asking if I want to talk. I haven't even been able to answer them properly. 

No fewer than FOUR people I've flirted with also reached out in the past 24 hours: That guy I had sex with back in May, a self-identified "slutty" trans woman I've never met (but seen online) who's visiting Trondheim for the week, a very hot man I met at the swingers club in late 2023, and a crossdresser from Gindr who I chatted with about a year ago.

If I wanted something to do, or someone to do, it wouldn't be hard. And yet I'm fundamentally uninterested. I don't really care. About anything. I'm just a numb little bug. (Hope I'm not past repair.)