Fragile balance

I'm keeping myself busy there days. Typically, I'm out of the house both during the day and in the evening, not letting myself sit still too much. This might not be sustainable in the long run, but it's what I need right now. The alternative is just walking restlessly around the house, switching from activity to activity, feeling miserable and bored and dysregulated. Missing Novice so much it's driving me insane. 

Occasional messages back and forth with her, is one of the things that's keeping me afloat. Reminding me that she doesn't hate me, that there's a hope in the future for us remaining friends. She matter so much to me, and I find that I miss her as a friend almost as much as I miss her as a partner. Perhaps even more, because our friendship was always solid. Even when our relationship wasn't. 

I've found a sort of balance after two weeks now, a way to function. However, that balance is soooo fragile. Feeling misunderstood or rejected are two of the things that most easily can upset that balance. Novice and I messaged a bit back and forth today, relating to some common friends of ours and their drama. I read her as extremely standoff-ish, and it felt devastating. Having her reject me as a partner is something I'm starting to get used to. Feeling rejected as a friend felt terrible. 

I finally figured out what had gone wrong, but by then I was completely out of sorts; A crying, shaking, angst-filled mess. Those 40 minutes of messages back and forth really showed me how fragile I am these days. 

I'm trying to regain that balance now. Making sure I eat, for example. Low blood sugar makes it easier for me to spiral. Writing about this is also a way to cope. After having eaten and posted this, I'll try to rest up and see if I'm able to head out again later tonight. I feel like I should, because as I started out with: Just being at home isn't good for me these days. However, loosing my balance like this takes SO much out of me. I don't know how much will be left.