On Sunday, I met Novice for the first time in a month. The first time since I moved out all my stuff. (Not counting when we accidentally saw each other on the street.) We were together for maybe an hour, and it was good... And very, very hard.
The hold she has over me is SO strong. The impact her words have on me is massive. I took some notes to this post immediately following the encounter, but it's taken me two days to actually write it out. Yesterday, I was shaking, incredibly full of angst, and completely exhausted. That single hour was costly. I'm still very glad she agreed to meet me, or I would just keep thinking about it and wishing for it.. However, I also think it's good that we're holding off on socializing more regularly.
The hardest part of that hour, was what she DIDN'T say:
She told me she was "working on untangling some stuff". Stuff about her and me, how "we're very different people". That in itself isn't so scary. I'm doing much the same thing, after all. However, she also said that if we were to start socializing one-on-one again, we would "need to have a talk first".
"We need to talk". Those are four scary words.
What on earth would we need to "have a talk" about, in this ominous sense? The last time she said those words, it led to her telling me that she was considering breaking up with me. Those four words don't exactly give me the best associations.. Which she knows perfectly well.
She wasn't able to give me any more information. Only that she needed to "work through it" first. And that's fair... She needs to do what she needs to do, and I can't force her to do or say anything. At the same time, it feels very, very hard. I'm so incredible vulnerable with her, she's got all this power over me. She could completely crush me, if she wanted to. Grind me to dust.
Her words have made me start guessing, of course. How could they not?
In what way are we "very different people" (I know we are, she knows we are, this is not news to either of us... So what does she need to "work through"?), and why would we need to "have a talk" about it before being able to socialize one-on-one again? Why couldn't she just share whatever it was there and then? This feels like a preparation. And introduction. It makes it feel like there's serious criticism coming. News or information that she thinks I really won't like.
When a boss schedules you for a "small chat" without telling you the topic... Or someone messages you with "call me, it's important", without telling you immediately what's up; You're bracing for impact, imagining the worst. Did you do something terribly wrong? Are you getting fired? Have someone died?
I know a lot of stuff is Wrong with me. There's a lot of stuff I don't do well, or don't understand. However, being remined exactly how I'm useless.. Or exactly how I'm a terrible person.. Or exactly why no one would ever want to keep loving me... Getting anything like that, in some shape or form, from someone I love and respect as much as Novice... I know that will be hard.
Which part of "Wrong" will she focus on? I don't know. Perhaps that I'm too intense? That I was too demanding of her time, or too focused on us as a couple? That I imagined a future with her that she wasn't ready to commit to? Perhaps she thinks that I was too willing to adapt, to please? Perhaps she feels that I don't respect her privacy enough? That I'm too talkative, or too forward?
Or perhaps there's something else. Something worse. Worse because I haven't though about it and tried to prepare for it.. But also worse, because whatever it is could be more damning somehow.
Have I inadvertently done something to really harm her? Does she find me abusive somehow? And if she does, or if I have, then how the fuck did that happen? And how can I prevent it from ever, ever happening again?
Can I even take something like that in, and not get crushed by it? Harming her is the absolute last thing I have ever wanted to do. If trying with everything I have to be good, do good, and that still wasn't good enough to even prevent harm.. What hope can there be? Trying to make up for something like that, make amends, will be impossible. I've already done everything I can.
Perhaps people would be better off if I weren't around? At least that way, I won't inadvertently cause more harm to anyone else. At least that way, those I love might not be harmed even further.
I can feel myself spiraling from this.
I have no idea what she was referring to, but my mind immediately imagines the worst. And it's pretty good at imagining the worst. What scares me even more, though, is that there might be a further "worse" that I haven't been able to imagine. If it's somehow worse that this, AND I'm not prepared for it..
Waiting two days before writing this post, trying to get some distance between myself and the most immediate emotions.. It didn't help much. I hate not knowing what's going on, bracing for an impact without knowing where or when or what.
I can feel myself growing analytical now. Disengaging from all of it. I'm standing outside of myself, observing this emotional downwards spiral. Noticing the physical symptoms: Elevated blood pressure, ringing in my ears, tendency to tunnel vision. Short, shallow breathing, feeling both warm and cold at the same time, tightness in the chest, tense jaws, nausea.
Noticing the emotional things too, like a gradual decline of reason... While at the same time feeling hyper-logical. Thoughts speeding up, a gradual panic. Extreme introspection; that selfishness that is so characteristic of mental illness. Which also feels like extreme selflessness at the same time. Hyperfocus on things I can't possibly control or change. A hamster wheel of circular thought patterns.
"We need to talk" are three really, really scary words. When radio silence is all that follows, imagining the worst isn't just a possibility. It's an inevitablity. That doesn't mean I blame her, or think it's her fault I'm so angst ridden right now. I don't blame her, and it isn't her fault. Like I said, she does what she needs to do. That's ok.
I just don't know how to deal with this in a healthy way. That's on me, not her.
I either have to push it away, push it down, or be dragged down with it. Flee.. or drown.
So flee, I do.
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