Three weeks - can't seem to shake it

Three weeks today, since Novice and I parted ways. I don't cry over her anymore, but I still ache for her. I still love her. 

I function relatively well in my day-to-day life, I sleep ok and I mostly don't have any depressive symptoms. I'm clearly in a better place mentally now, than I was before she broke up with me. We weren't in a good place those last few months, and we both knew it. I'm glad she was able to do what I couldn't.

Having had all this free time, while frustrating and lonely, has been good for me. There's no expectations, no one I can disappoint, I can't really fail at it. I can just exist. I still struggle with anxiety, but I'm getting better at recognizing it for what it is. I'm also getting better at pacing myself. More anxiety and physical tension means I need to step back. Take a day without any activities or outings. Rest. 

She's almost always on my mind, though. I think about her. Ache for her. Miss her. Love her. 

I don't think I've felt this brokenhearted, for this long, in a very long time. Sure I was sad I had to end things with Elle, and I was hysterically sobbing when Giant left me. But both of those bouts of sadness didn't last as long as this. With Elle it was... Awkward.. For months afterwards. Mostly because she'd so firmly put up her emotional walls and pushed me out, I didn't know how to interact with her. 

Honestly.. I've had grand parents dying, and it didn't affect me for as long as this. Lots of feelings for a few days, sure, but then I got a handle on myself. I can't seem to get a handle on this. This ending with Novice is... Different. My feelings for her haven't diminished. Even though I know it's over, even though I know it's for the best. I'm trying to move on, getting back on Tinder and back to dating and such, but my heart really isn't in it. I still love her. 

One thing that's making this different from most breakups I've had, is the duration of the relationship; It's the third longest I've ever had. Only Saint and T having lasted longer. I also lived with her, been integrated into her daily schedule and molded myself around it. That probably makes a difference.

The only thing I can compare it to was my very first relationship, when I was 15-16 years old. It lasted for over a year, but most of it was long-distance so obviously that part's not the same.. 22 years ago now, so I don't remember all of it obviously.. But I remember clearly this aching emptiness once it was over. I would go about my life, but there would be this.. Person-shaped hole in it. That's how I'm feeling now as well.

Another reason this could be different, is because I don't have any other partners I'm currently in love with. I'm living with Saint of course, but we aren't really together anymore. We don't have any sort of emotional intimacy. When Elle and I ended, I'd already started things with Novice. When Giant and I ended, I still had a very fiery relationship with Saint. I think those other relationships made the break-ups easier to deal with. Not because one person can replace another in any way, but because of easily available support AND distraction. 

When was I truly single last time? Looking through The List, I think it was when I was 18. So maybe it makes sense that this break-up feels different from most others I've had? Or maybe it feels different because it IS different? I'm more aware of my own feelings now, both good and bad... I'm at a very different place gender-wise too.  

Perhaps I'm fooling myself. Maybe I just feel it's different because I'm in the middle of it? Feelings aren't really remembered, after all. Perhaps all my break-ups were like this? I don't think so, but I don't really feel certain about anything right now... Feels like there's more to it, though. This love, this loyalty, this devotion I feel towards her, even now after we're all over.. I can't seem to shake it. I can't remember experiencing anything like that when other relationships ended. It's not the sort of thing you forget.

I'm suggesting to her we try hanging out as friends soon. Not ignoring our past relationship, but hopefully transforming these feelings I have (WE have, I'm guessing) into something else. You can love your friends deeply too, after all. You can hang out, trust each other, confide in each other, support each other. Just with a different frequency and intensity than in a romantic relationship. Perhaps if we get used to hanging out as friends, our emotions will catch up with reality?

I'm hoping that can work. Because just staying away from her certainly isn't working. At least not for me. I miss her so, so much. If we can't be together as a couple, at least I hope we can be together as friends. It won't fill the void, but it might be the next best thing.