As I'm writing this, my heart is racing and I'm shaking. There's SO much anxiety here, and I'm not sure why. I think it might be because being a person who enjoys sex, who have a strong sex drive and wants lots of it, is a core part of who I am. This blog post is making me reevaluate that completely. It took me many hours to write, with lots of breaks. But I think I'm done now:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One of the ways I've tried to keep busy these last couple of weeks, has been to go to a local swinger's club. I've been there five or six times now, and still haven't had sex with anyone. I've done some rope demos, and the first time I was there I topped a woman for a bit of groping and fondling and kissing.
My first few visits, I wasn't really feeling comfortable having sex with anyone.. I'm growing more used to the place now. Last night I was really wanting to try to have sex with a cis man. I had sex with a cis man in the start of June, and it was a very confusing experience.. I thought maybe it was just because I didn't find him physically attractive, so I figured I should give it another go.
At the club, no one seemed interested in me, so I eventually left. I reached out to a guy I'd met there once before, and who hadn't been there that night. He was very willing to meet up with me. He's primarily into women, but didn't mind that I'm something different. I'm obviously not his first choice, but he didn't seem to mind.
This guy is absolutely attractive. He looks like a larger version of Giant: Tall, blond, bearded, a Vikings-inspired hairstyle, curly blond body hair, and a bit of a belly. He's also fairly charismatic, and came highly recommended from an acquaintance.
We fondled a bit, kissed a bit, he fingered me (expertly, if somewhat roughly), I went down on him, then straddled his dick and got fucked by him. None of us came, but it was pleasant. I also enjoyed being touched, cuddling a bit. Physical contact is nice.
The problem with last night, and the encounter in June, and frankly also the sex I had with a trans man in October last year, was that I didn't feel anything for these people. I like the IDEA of sex, and I have distinct memories of enjoying sex before.. But now I just.. Don't.
By all means, my body can react to stimulus... But I don't feel mentally or emotionally engaged, and I usually don't really feel turned on. I can go through the motions, and the physical sensations aren't unpleasant, but that's all... I thought maybe it was anxiety, or low self-esteem, or hormone levels, but I don't think those are it anymore.
You see, I now realize that I felt this way in the spring of 2022 as well, when I had a fair amount of random one night stands. Meaning this isn't a new thing, although it's become more obvious to me now. At the time, I'd recently started testosterone and was so incredibly horny. Anything and everything would turn me on. So not really being turned on by the people, wasn't as apparent to me. Even with Student and NN, while getting along with them well enough, I never had that "spark" that made me really into having sex with them. NN got closer, because what they did was so gender confirming.. But I never developed feelings for them, and I realize now that's why I didn't continue seeking them out.
I wrote about this lack of desire for random encounters back in January. Back then, I related it to the fact that Novice couldn't handle sex of any sort. I thought maybe I'd adapted to her somehow. But I realize now that's not it. I've also wondered if I'm just more into women than men, but I realize from being at the swingers' club, and from participating in the female-focused sex party... It's pretty much the same with women. I can enjoy looking at a nice body, and the sexual innuendos and banter is fun, but I don't really feel like going any further. I still CAN, and probably will if offered the chance.. But without that connection, I'll probably leave feeling mentally/emotionally dissatisfied.
So this isn't about gender either. This is about connection.
I apparently need to have feelings, need some sort of emotional connection, to really enjoy sex with someone. To get mentally turned on. I have a lot of fantasies, and still have a significant sex drive, I just.. Don't get much positive from these random sexual encounters. Yes, it's nice to be touched and to feel desired.. But I'm realizing that's not enough for me. I've said before that I'm tired of just being a service top to a string of random subs. Until I develop feelings for my subs, and then.. It's different. That's what was lacking when I did bondage on Elle earlier this spring too: I didn't have feelings for her anymore.
In all of these thoughts, and anxiety, and confusion, one thing is clear: I still want Novice. Not only have I fantasies relating to her, but I distinctly remember being so incredibly turned on by her, physically and mentally. Just kissing her, breathing with her, wrapping my limbs around her, it felt wonderful. My brain was just as much on fire as my body. And I realize that all the really good sex I've ever had, have been with people I've had romantic feelings for.
So I still want sex. Just not with anyone. I need the emotional connection first.
Guess I'm really demisexual.
Damn.
No comments:
Post a Comment