One month: Transforming love

We've passed a month now. A month since Novice broke up with me. Pulled the plug, with my full support and consent. I wrote just over a week ago that I couldn't shake it off, I kept thinking about her, loving her, missing her. 

However, after four weeks I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I still think about her a lot, I still miss hanging out with her... But I also go several hours each day without having her constantly on my mind. It's strange.. Thoughts of her have filled my head every hour, often many times every hour, for over 1,5 years. Now, they're just occasionally.. Gone. It feels disloyal, in a way. 

That's completely irrational, obviously. I don't owe her my thoughts or my energy at this point. It's just.. She's slowly drifting out of my head, and I'm slowly letting her go. Do I still love her? Yes. But that feeling of love is also transforming. We're not putting fuel on the fire, and it's finally dying down. Becoming embers, giving off just residual heat.

I spent several hours with T yesterday, and I still love him as well. We haven't been partners for many, many years now, and I wouldn't want to be in a romantic or sexual relationship with him again. However, there's still something left between us. To wax a bit poetic; It's like my soul still recognizes something in his. He feels safe, feels familiar, feels like "home", in a way random other people don't. I'm happy to see him, happy to spend time with him, care about how he's doing and what he's up to. Much more than I care about friends. That feels like love, to me.

I did an analysis of "love" years ago, and what I wrote back then still rings true: I love everyone in the moment, and several of my longer relationships are people I still love to this day. Not all of them. I loved Elle fiercely for example, but those feelings didn't really remain a year and half later. Cord and Dane, I almost don't remember now, much less care about as more than distant acquaintances. (I have NOT loved everyone I've ever had sex with however, not even in the moment, and that's probably why a lot of random sex have felt so unfulfilling.) But T? Yes, I still love him. 

I'll probably always love Novice, just like I continue to love T. We've been together for too long, know each other too well, have gone through too much together, to believe it can be otherwise. I won't think about her every day, or talk with her every day, but we'll remain in touch. Care about each other, enjoy each other's company. Reach out to each other if we have questions the other is expertly suited to answer, or perhaps just to hang out. 

I have no idea how T really feels about me, and I have no idea what feelings Novice still have or don't have for me either. I can't control what they feel, and don't care to. I know that they accept me, support me, and care about me. That's good enough. Whether or not they call it love, doesn't really matter to me. It doesn't change how I feel about them. 

That's the great thing about love: It doesn't have to be reciprocated to have value. I think that's a beautiful thing.