Not stopping testosterone

I realized tonight that I can't stop testosterone. There's been several clues these last few days, like the euphoria I felt when I tried a foam packer in my briefs.. Or the way I hate how feminine my hair looks when it grows longer..

However, tonight really put the last nails in the coffin. I realized I can't stop testosterone, because it would mean my body shape growing more curvy and feminine again. My hips and ass would get bigger, and that's just unacceptable! Having my hips and ass go back to how they were, would actually make me SIGNIFICANTLY more dysphoric than getting my period. Which is saying something. 

I could theoretically avoid it, mostly, by loosing weight at the same time.. But I'm currently struggling to stay where I am (just under 100kg), and more estrogen would mean more sugar cravings. So that's not a viable plan. (I'd also grow a waist again, and I don't really want that either.)

Looking at pictures that Novice' mom took of us at a family gathering this spring, the things I dislike about my appearance are the feminine things. The incongruent things. First and foremost the width of my thighs. Especially in pictures where I'm sitting down in a couch or something similar. The way my thighs seem to spread, flow outwards. Disproportionately large. Distinctly un-masculine. I hate that!

How can I ever even consider stopping testosterone, when I know it will reverse that process? It will make me hate my lower half even more! I can't do that to myself, not matter other possible benefits.

Yes, continuing on testosterone will make most queer cis women completely unavailable to me. (Unless they're bisexual/pansexual, but many of them aren't.) Which is sad, because they're fucking hot, practically all of them. And I haven't, so far, been attracted to straight women. 

But fine, maybe I'll end up back with a man again then. A gay man, perhaps? Or maybe I'll continue this trend of only dating trans people, like I've been doing ever since my own egg cracked? Or maybe I'll grow attracted to straight cis women eventually? (Perhaps once my self-image catches up to how I actually look?)

All I know is that I can't let who I want to attract, decide how I want to look like or who I want to be. Not when making that change, would increase the incongruence I already struggle with. So I'm staying on testosterone.