Pros and cons
I've gotten a fairly masculine, if somewhat androgynous appearance during these past two years. I'm pretty happy with how I look now. I'm not certain I want to look more like a cis man. On the other hand, being read as a woman is still really uncomfortable and dysphoric to me..
I also just spent over 6 months last year trying to get my testosterone levels stable. I'm finally on a treatment regime now that works.. Do I want to mess with that again? I also know it's easier to loose weight while on testosterone (which is something I'm working on), and I generally have fewer aches and pains than I did before.
Then there's the dreaded period. I really don't want to start having to deal with blood again like that. That's one of the main things holding me back, actually. If I knew they'd be regular and similar to what they were before, I guess I'd survive.. But never knowing if I might bleed or not, having these irregular fucking issues.. Not tempting. And booting my ovaries back up again will most likely lead to irregular bleeding, at least at first.
I've gotten a fairly masculine, if somewhat androgynous appearance during these past two years. I'm pretty happy with how I look now. I'm not certain I want to look more like a cis man. On the other hand, being read as a woman is still really uncomfortable and dysphoric to me..
I also just spent over 6 months last year trying to get my testosterone levels stable. I'm finally on a treatment regime now that works.. Do I want to mess with that again? I also know it's easier to loose weight while on testosterone (which is something I'm working on), and I generally have fewer aches and pains than I did before.
Then there's the dreaded period. I really don't want to start having to deal with blood again like that. That's one of the main things holding me back, actually. If I knew they'd be regular and similar to what they were before, I guess I'd survive.. But never knowing if I might bleed or not, having these irregular fucking issues.. Not tempting. And booting my ovaries back up again will most likely lead to irregular bleeding, at least at first.
Related to attraction?
I'm wondering WHY I want to stop, though.. Is it just that I'm nonbinary and this androgynous place is where I feel most comfortable? Most me? Or is it something else?
On one hand, I wonder if it's got to do with attraction. The people I find the hottest these days are other clearly afab nonbinary people, and generally masc looking women. The nonbinary actor Emma Darcy is a prime example on this, but there are plenty of others on TikTok too.. And the porn I watch is solely focused on women. I keep wondering... Is this really attraction I feel towards androgynous looking women/nonbinary people? Or is it gender envy?
If it is attraction, and I want to make myself appealing to that part of the population.. I shouldn't grow more masculine than this. Most of them seem to be primarily attracted to women. If I want to continue going to sex parties that are focused on women, I should also be careful how man-ish I become.
But would I really compromise on my own gender expression, in the hope of being attractive to others? That's not right! So which is it? Do I primarily want to be them, or do them??!?
And what do I feel towards bearded men? Is that attraction, like I always though? Or is that also gender envy, like I've been suspecting this past year? But if I don't really want to look like them anymore, then how the fuck can it be gender envy? Or do I still want to look like them, and this hesitancy is just internalized transphobic bullshit?
I'm wondering WHY I want to stop, though.. Is it just that I'm nonbinary and this androgynous place is where I feel most comfortable? Most me? Or is it something else?
On one hand, I wonder if it's got to do with attraction. The people I find the hottest these days are other clearly afab nonbinary people, and generally masc looking women. The nonbinary actor Emma Darcy is a prime example on this, but there are plenty of others on TikTok too.. And the porn I watch is solely focused on women. I keep wondering... Is this really attraction I feel towards androgynous looking women/nonbinary people? Or is it gender envy?
If it is attraction, and I want to make myself appealing to that part of the population.. I shouldn't grow more masculine than this. Most of them seem to be primarily attracted to women. If I want to continue going to sex parties that are focused on women, I should also be careful how man-ish I become.
But would I really compromise on my own gender expression, in the hope of being attractive to others? That's not right! So which is it? Do I primarily want to be them, or do them??!?
And what do I feel towards bearded men? Is that attraction, like I always though? Or is that also gender envy, like I've been suspecting this past year? But if I don't really want to look like them anymore, then how the fuck can it be gender envy? Or do I still want to look like them, and this hesitancy is just internalized transphobic bullshit?
Is it a punishment?
Another aspect is my recent break-up with Novice, and the really turbulent time that preceded that break. Because I've been thinking about stopping testosterone for a couple of months now. Is my desire to stop hrt fueled by a subconscious desire to become more appealing to her? Or even a way to punish myself, because I don't truly deserve to feel good in my body? I know low hormone levels are a fucking nightmare.. Am I searching that out on purpose?
Low testosterone levels also seriously reduce my sex drive, so this will probably also prolong my confusion with regards to sexual attraction and whether I've become demisexual. I went to a sex club yesterday, and was clearly invited to have sex with someone, and turned them down. Didn't feel like having sex at all. Is that asexual state something I want to chemically encourage?
Another aspect is my recent break-up with Novice, and the really turbulent time that preceded that break. Because I've been thinking about stopping testosterone for a couple of months now. Is my desire to stop hrt fueled by a subconscious desire to become more appealing to her? Or even a way to punish myself, because I don't truly deserve to feel good in my body? I know low hormone levels are a fucking nightmare.. Am I searching that out on purpose?
Low testosterone levels also seriously reduce my sex drive, so this will probably also prolong my confusion with regards to sexual attraction and whether I've become demisexual. I went to a sex club yesterday, and was clearly invited to have sex with someone, and turned them down. Didn't feel like having sex at all. Is that asexual state something I want to chemically encourage?
Is it shame?
There's just so many stereotypically transmasc things that don't appeal to me these days... Like wearing a packer, using a strap-on, or jerking off using a prosthetic dick of some sort. Or even just being a top. Is that a permanent change, or is it just like a muscle that hasn't been used this past year?
Is all of this really a subconscious response to not having felt desirable ever since I started looking masculine? And is that internalized misogyny, or internalized transphobia talking? Did I suppress that side of me, because I knew Novice wasn't interested in exploring it with me? Did that make me feel like she rejected a core part of who I was? Did it make me more shameful? Or am I just not my type, and this has nothing to do with her?
Maybe I've inadvertently done this to myself, somehow? By suppressing my own needs and desires again and again, after coming out has trans.. Have I caused harm to myself and my own self-image? Strengthened my feeling of shame, somehow? And what about having my body so thoroughly rejected after top surgery? I honestly never felt that Novice desired me again after that. (Intellectually, I can see many other very believable reasons for her lack of desire, by my emotions dug this hole and I can't seem reason myself out of it.)
I know I've struggled a lot with shame before, that's probably at least part of the reason I didn't realize I was trans until so late. It wouldn't surprise me if some of this urge to stop testosterone, is really an urge to crawl back in the egg. Is it more acceptable to me to present myself as a butch woman, than as a transmasc nonbinary person? Or is it a sort of retroactive FOMO, because I never explored being in a wlw environment while knowing I was attracted to women?
The world out here is bright and big and scary, and being trans is difficult and stressful. And I feel like no one will ever really appreciate my body or my sexuality now. (I say this, while at the same time having rejected actual offers for sex yesterday. Which is a paradox so jarring, even I can see it... But it doesn't make what I feel less real.)
Is it grief, or burn-out?
Am I just grieving over Novice? If so, have I really been grieving for a few months before we ended?
Or can this all be related to the autism diagnosis and the burn-out? Is further changes caused by testosterone scary, because change is scary and I long for stability? Or am I really just more agender, like many autistic people?
Has this uncertainty always been there, I just didn't feel my feelings before?
I don't know.
I'm so confused.
There's just so many stereotypically transmasc things that don't appeal to me these days... Like wearing a packer, using a strap-on, or jerking off using a prosthetic dick of some sort. Or even just being a top. Is that a permanent change, or is it just like a muscle that hasn't been used this past year?
Is all of this really a subconscious response to not having felt desirable ever since I started looking masculine? And is that internalized misogyny, or internalized transphobia talking? Did I suppress that side of me, because I knew Novice wasn't interested in exploring it with me? Did that make me feel like she rejected a core part of who I was? Did it make me more shameful? Or am I just not my type, and this has nothing to do with her?
Maybe I've inadvertently done this to myself, somehow? By suppressing my own needs and desires again and again, after coming out has trans.. Have I caused harm to myself and my own self-image? Strengthened my feeling of shame, somehow? And what about having my body so thoroughly rejected after top surgery? I honestly never felt that Novice desired me again after that. (Intellectually, I can see many other very believable reasons for her lack of desire, by my emotions dug this hole and I can't seem reason myself out of it.)
I know I've struggled a lot with shame before, that's probably at least part of the reason I didn't realize I was trans until so late. It wouldn't surprise me if some of this urge to stop testosterone, is really an urge to crawl back in the egg. Is it more acceptable to me to present myself as a butch woman, than as a transmasc nonbinary person? Or is it a sort of retroactive FOMO, because I never explored being in a wlw environment while knowing I was attracted to women?
The world out here is bright and big and scary, and being trans is difficult and stressful. And I feel like no one will ever really appreciate my body or my sexuality now. (I say this, while at the same time having rejected actual offers for sex yesterday. Which is a paradox so jarring, even I can see it... But it doesn't make what I feel less real.)
Is it grief, or burn-out?
Am I just grieving over Novice? If so, have I really been grieving for a few months before we ended?
Or can this all be related to the autism diagnosis and the burn-out? Is further changes caused by testosterone scary, because change is scary and I long for stability? Or am I really just more agender, like many autistic people?
Has this uncertainty always been there, I just didn't feel my feelings before?
I don't know.
I'm so confused.
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