Head spinning, so gender

I need to make a confession. 

I recently wrote a post named "Different guys, same sex". I shared it with NN, as way to open up the conversation about what we did sexually and how I feel very uncertain about what I like or what I want to do. However, before I shared it, I rewrote it slightly, because I worried what he'd think.. Worried I'd be mocked, ridiculed or.. I don't know.. Something. Something bad. 

Doesn't seem like something he'd do, but I don't know him THAT well yet.. And my mind kept playing tricks on me, worrying and second-guessing myself. I also didn't want him to feel pushed into doing something he wasn't interested in doing.

The rewrite didn't matter though. He read it, found the SINGLE sentence in all of that text that signified what I REALLY wanted to explore, and suggested we try it. That sentence was "Wearing a strap-on while being fucked maybe?". 

So when we started talking about it (on Messenger), he starts off by saying "It felt from your post like you'd like to try some things that are more gender affirming". And he flat out suggested that I wear a strap-on whilst doing sexual stuff, both being fucked as I mentioned myself, but also giving me a blowjob. And that just blew my mind.

I have these thoughts, these fantasies, that I've been exploring for the past few months.. And I didn't think I'd find someone, certain not locally, who wanted to try that with me. I worried I'd be stuck in this heterocentric way of having sex forever, until I transitioned far enough to maybe, MAYBE be interesting for the gay guys.. But still the sex they're having seems really orgasm-focused too: You try to get each other off in the fastest/most efficient way possible. There's no room to explore, in encounters like that. So how would I find myself in it?

And I realize that this heteronormative sex is very... Performative. I guess that's one reason why people fake orgasms, too (although I haven't done that in 20 years or so, so what do I know?). The expectation, the focus, is orgasms. I think I lost my way, somewhere in all that heteronormativity.. I need to try to unlearn 22 years of sexual "conditioning", or at least expand upon it. 

Maybe that's why I (eventually) found some peace in the kink community..? Because when playing publically in a club, the goal is to give eachother good, kinky experiences. Not orgasms. I was still playing in a performative way, service topping and not really considering what I personally would want... But at least I wasn't always chasing orgasms, trying to "do what was expected of me" and come. 

But I digress... I derailed into these philosophical musings because the topic at hand scares me. So.. Once more unto the breach: 

I've had these thoughts, these fantasies, about wearing a strap-on during sex.. Not to penetrate with (although that's nice too, by all means. I did that a couple of times with Cord), but just to wear as a natural part of sex. As though I had a dick. I get fucking horny jerking myself off, after all, so it really ought to work when I'm with someone too.. 

I want someone to touch my dick, suck it.. I want to cuddle up next to someone while wearing it.. I want to suck his dick, while wearing it.. I want to be fingered, and fucked, while wearing it.. As though I had both a dick and a vagina (the ultimate non-binary genital configuration? Or one of them, anyway).

And to think that he wants to let me do that... He wants to do that.. I don't know wether to laugh or to cry. I keep running my fingers through my hair, flabbergasted, mind blown, teary eyed. I struggle to sit still. I keep giggling. It's just so gender. I can't even call it gender euphoria at this point, though I'm sure that's what's really going on. Because it doesn't feel euphoric. It feels almost overwhelmingly strong. Like I don't know what to do with myself. 

A song by the Norwegian duo Karpe came to mind. The song is called "Her" (meaning "Here"). It's really about terrorist attacks, specifically written after the Bataclan shootings in Paris in 2015. So it's almost sacrilege to take part of those lyrics and make them about myself, and my gender and sexlife.. But I'm doing it anyway. Because although no one has died, it feels like a bomb has exploded. I'm left stunned, covered in dust, ringing in my ears, shell shocked:

"Are we still breathing? Are we still breathing? 
Are we still breathing? We held our breath. 
But my head was the wheels on the bus."

Norwegian original: "Puster vi fortsatt? Puster vi fortsatt? Puster vi fortsatt? Vi holdt pusten. Men hodet mitt er hjulene på bussen." 

Maybe it's a small thing, to him. I'm certain he's known, and had sex with, trans people before. He seems confident and comfortable in himself and his identity... It's not small to me, though: Rarely have I felt as much of a "baby trans" as I feel right now. Like a teenager about to get their first proper kiss. Like a parachutist about to jump from the plane. Scared, happy, excited, worried... All the feelings.. All the gender.

And this is all from the THOUGHT.. I wonder how I'll feel actually doing it.