Shit is going down, but I'm trying to keep this chronological. I'm a bit behind, but trying to catch up. So this is basically a summary of last week's events. I'll probably make further posts about at least a couple of these topics, but we'll see. Right now I don't really feel like writing, I'm just emotionally and mentally drained.
So, to summarize the summer holidays this year:
Thursday:
Last Tuesday, I met another trans guy for coffee. We first found each other on Grindr, but he was mostly intrested in cismen.. So no sexytimes. But we chatted for a few hours, which was really nice. Afterwards, I went to a queer pub in Oslo, and sang karaoke. I arrived alone, but ended up hanging out with a bunch of cool people, another trans man among them. Seems they're everywhere..! Haha.
Friday and Saturday
Friday morning, I had the consult with the gender clinic which I've already written about. Friday evening, I REALLY needed to get out and hang with other queer people. Saint had predicted that need, so he'd earlier suggested we swap nights: I stayed with the kids both Wednesday and Thursday, so I'd get both Friday and Saturday off.
I went to this other queer pub, on my own, and got to know a couple of people there. Then later that night, a trans woman (who I'd been chatting with a few times before) arrived. She basically propositioned me, and was pretty surprised when I took her up on it. I think she thought I was only into guys... I thought so too, but that's a topic for another post.
She's a masochist, I'm a sadist, so that was a match made in... Certainly not heaven.. Haha. But it was a damn good match, anyway. We played with impact, first and foremost. As well as some light petting and kissing and such. In the end, I sucked her penis for a bit, simply because I love that. Although a girl-penis was a very different creature than the dicks I'm used to. She smelled differently, tasted differently, and the texture was wildly different. Fascinating!
We weren't done with each other, so on Saturday evening we met again. She requested pain without bruising, and wanted to experiment with rope bondage. I gave her what she wanted, and then some. I did a "torture tie" on the lower legs, with rope criss-crossing the shin, that was REALLY fun to do. Really effective, and no bruising. Also, standing over her, grabbing her hair and shoving my dick in her mouth was... Extremely hot. And that's putting it mildly. We weren't able to get her off, but I made myself orgasm twice.
Monday:
Monday evening I met Larpy for a coffee. Then, having given up on getting anything useful out of Grindr, I sent War a message. He was interested in meeting up, so I went to his place. We chatted for a bit, then had sex. I ended up spending the night. The sex itself was... Fine, I guess. But he's obviously struggling with me transitioning.. Being seen as a girl to that extent is painful. It made sex a bit more tricky for me.
The entire evening with War was bitter sweet. We hadn't had sex for about 9 years before this, and ended back then on not-so-good terms. It was awkward for a couple of years after that. He obviously had feelings for me back then, and struggled. Much of that awkwardness was gone now, though. It felt like I had my friend back, which was wonderful. I worried, though... I asked him multiple times if he really wanted to have sex with me, and he confirmed that he did.. But I don't know.. I really don't want to hurt him more than I already have.. And I worry that I might have left him in a worse state than when I found him.
Then came Tuesday....
I was back home just before 9am, as I'd agreed with Saint. I was awake, clean, dressed in normal clothes, sober (I don't drink) and happy. A responsible adult, ready to face the day and be with my family.
By 9.15am, my father had expressed in no uncertain terms that he couldn't accept "my way of life" and that he didn't wish for us to stay at their place any longer. He also said he pitied Saint, and that how I was acting was wrong towards him. Fascinatingly, he hadn't actually asked Saint's opinion at all... Saint and I are in full agreement, and Saint isn't displeased with any of the things I do.
It seemed as though me being out and seeing people (so basically the fact that I'm poly), was the final straw. Not the fact that I'm trans. My dad was incredibly annoyed that I was living a life he didn't agree with, and couldn't see that his annoyance was solely his problem. Not mine. My habit of going out every other night, doesn't affect him the slightest. And yet.. He was ranting about how I was being disrespectful to him, how I'd always been disrespectful to him etc. I couldn't just stand and take it, and there's no fucking way I was apologizing to him. I hadn't done anything wrong.
I told Saint, and by 10am we were fully packed, had loaded the car, and left. I messaged my mom as we were leaving, and she supported my father and repeated that she believed me going out in the evenings was wrong of me. She also claimed that I didn't seem happy now, as though to back up her claim that I was on the wrong path... And that's going against what everyone else is saying, and certainly against what I'm feeling myself.
I think this obviously is some sort of moral panic: They're suspecting that I, a parent in a serious long-term relationship, dare to go out to pubs at night, and dance, and hook up with people. (I never confirmed that I fuck around, but I know they're suspecting it.) I dare to have fun, dare to live in a way they don't think is PROPER for someone of my age and in my situation. And I wasn't even trying to hide it! I didn't feel the proper shame! The gall! What would People think?!?!
I also suspect my mom may have noticed that I'm done accepting other people's bullshit. Done performing a role that I never asked for. Done being their "little girl". She was obviously bothered by that. They've always thought I was a bit weird, but they didn't know the half of it. I never told them more than I thought they could deal with. Turns out, my estimates were wrong; They couldn't even deal with the little pieces of me they were granted. So now, they aren't getting anything of me at all.
We cut our vacation two days short, and we cut my parents out of our lives. Saint's parents aren't in our lives either (his mom is dead, his dead got cut out last summer). I've unfriended my parents on Facebook and Snapchat. My sister is defending them, so I'm considering removing her too, but haven't so far. We drove across the country that entire day. I was devastated and really angry.
Back home, Wednesday:
Yesterday, I played board game at a local board game club. Then I had fast food with a guy from there, who I've hooked up with before.. And then we went to his place. He was tired, so there was just kissing and fondling while we were watching Netflix... But I was permitted to suck his dick, which I was happy to do. It's huge, very close to the size of Arthur's. I wish he'd reciprocated somehow, but.. It's ok. Sucking dick makes me happy too.
And that's it. That's the summer vacation of 2022.
I'm tired.
To have this shit with my parents, on top of everything else.. The gender clinic.. Testosterone driven changes.. Trying to find some sort of stable footing in all of this, trying to get a grasp of my own identity.. It feels like.. A lot.
I'm tired.
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