Affirmations and Accolades is basically a blow-by-blow retelling of the sex NN and I had last night. This is supposed to be more meta. And analysis of sorts.
The sex we had was queer, in that it didn't feel as set in an expected pattern, compared to the sex I've previously had. That felt liberating. We could do whatever felt nice, without expectations that we HAD to do certain things, or in a certain order. There's much more to explore here, and more to unpack, as "normal" sex still influence me to a very large degree... But it's made me realize there's a lot more to sex than I previously thought. It's like that "galaxy brain" meme: I didn't really know that other ways of doing sex existed. It feels like my mind has reached another level.
Tonight I felt like a virgin. No, that's imprecise... Because when I had piv sex for the first time (I'd just turned 16 back then), I had more more control than this, felt less nervous than this. I had full agency back then. Tonight I didn't. Tonight, I felt like a parody of a virgin in an american movie; Fumbling, uncertain, afraid, tense, inexperienced, but also elated, excited, happy. (I already feel like a teenager in the sense that I'm going through puberty, so this just REALLY brought that feeling home for me.)
Although we took things slow, although he was basically fulfilling my fantasies, although he's extremely good at following my lead.. I was very much not in control of this encounter, at least not all of the time. And that's new, to me. Extremely unfamiliar. I'm used to being the most experienced, the one who knows what's happening, the one in control.
I usually struggle a lot with being the "bottom" in sexual encounters, being on the receiving end (yes, I get fucked, that's traditionally the bottom role.. But I struggle with being passive, receiving, and I typically control what we do and for how long). I want to challenge myself, to get better and more comfortable with receiving pleasure... But that takes time. (And when I keep hooking up with new guys, I never really grow comfortable enough.) The problem with receiving pleasure, is that I feel selfish, undeserving. I worry that the other person is just humoring me or is secretly annoyed by me. That they aren't enjoying themself.
I don't know where this train of thought comes from... The bullying when I was a kid, maybe? I learned, at a formative age, that if anyone did something nice to me, it was most likely a trick... Or perhaps it's related to how my mom would express being annoyed at me, disappointed by me (typically through very pointed looks or a few sharp words), without ever explaining the reason for it in a way that I could understand..? Or trauma after my relationship with X? Or maybe this is dysphoria too, like practically everything else seems to be? I don't know why I am like this, and ultimately the reason really doesn't matter.
These insecurities are less of a problem with NN than with most new people. He picks up on how I feel, and gives me the support and the affirmation I need: He confirms that he enjoys himself. That he likes me. Likes the stuff we're doing. Wants to do this. Isn't annoyed by me, doesn't feel impatient with me. (Is this how the newbie subs feel, once I get my hands on them? No wonder I've been accused of reading their minds!)
And no, NN and I aren't really doing any sort of D/s thingy, at this point.. But neither of us is completely vanilla, so there's a limit to how "vanilla" things can possibly get... His "good boy"s ABSOLUTELY comes with a power dynamic attached. It's not really something we've discussed as such, not something he's taken any sort of advantage of.. And it's not a permanent state, we have plenty of more equal interactions too.. But it's there, as a seedling that could grow, if we wanted it to. (Hmmm... I know he's a switch, I wonder what he'd like "in return"..?)
These confirmations that I was wanted, took last night's encounter to another level for me. We still miscommunicate occasionally, especially with non-verbal signals.. But he reads me much better now than last time, and I feel like I can read him a bit too. Not perfectly, I think there's layers upon layers of defence mechanisms there.. But better. I'm also less afraid to disappoint him, and starting to trust that he would tell me, if he didn't want to do something. I feel like I have a long way to go yet, but it's the beginning of something.
Again, it's a seedling. Something that could grow.
I can grow.
No comments:
Post a Comment