I've decided to just push the shit with my parents out of my mind for now. It doesn't drastically change my daily life anyway, as we didn't have that regular contact with them. So: Business as usual, or at least as much as possible.
Yesterday, I went out to the nightclub again. Met up with Elle and spent the night fondling and touching and kissing her, in between singing karaoke and stuff. We still don't have anywhere private to meet up, but she was driving me crazy for her... So we left the club around 1.30 and drove to a deserted parking lot. There was a bit of rope, and more kissing and touching and scratching and biting, and then we talked for a good long while afterwards. I went down on her (making her number 35 on That List. That's 5 more names in a month!). She also sucked on my cock, which still tickles my brain in all the right places. (Glad I had the strap-on with me in the car..) I really wanted to cuddle more with her, we both craved that skin-on-skin contact, but it was really cold outside and my car is way too small to play inside of.
I've played with her in a semi-private setting before, but we've never talked as intimately as we did last night. I feel an attraction to her, both physically and emotionally, that I didn't expect to feel. Certainly not for a woman! I see beauty in her, but I think there's a lot of brains too (which is why I named her Elle here, after "Elle Woods"). She's got this "whore and Madonna" thing going on, where she's all innocence and grace on one hand.. And on the other hand she's got this vulgarity, this "please, fuck my brains out" -kind of sex appeal...
I'm not sure which parts make up the real her, and which parts are more a performance.. But I think at least some of the innocence IS real. She's a young (24, so 12 years younger than me), deeply traumatized, insecure transgirl, trying to get her bearings. After playing with her at that shibari event, I suspected she was someone I could fall in love with. It confused the hell out of me (still does..). But if it happens, it happens. I see myself and my own insecurities in her, but at the same time I want to be her protector. Nurturer. I want hold her, to crawl into that brain of hers, earn her trust. She triggers sides of myself I haven't seen in a long, long while.
I'm well on my way to falling for her, and she seems attracted to me too... I know she's comfortable with me, has some level of trust for me.. But I have no idea if she's developing feelings for me, like I am for her. And frankly, it doesn't really matter. My feelings, in the end, are my problem to deal with. Arthur has proven to me that I can have a pretty awesome time in a relationship where I'm the only one (openly) in love with the other person.. So I'm not really worried about that part.
I'll probably show her this post later today, as a way of opening communications about all of this. I think we can have a lot of fun with each other regardless of anyone's feelings, as long as I don't scare her away. On the other hand, if this level of open communication scares her, I'd rather know now than in a couple of months when I'm even more emotionally invested.
Why AM I so into her, though? Is is the shared experience of "transness" (I've played with other trans people...)? Is it the kink (I've played with lots of kinksters..)? Is it the fact that she seems interested in me (to my shock, some people seem to be.. so that's not really new either..)? Or am I simply more attracted to femininity than I thought? I knew I was queer, but thought "masculinity" was the name of the game... But maybe it isn't?
Despite not having medically transitioned yet, I don't see her as masculine. Seeing a pre-transition picture of her was jarring. It was very clearly NOT her. Some stubble and a flat chest are irrelevant; She's a woman. A feminine woman. So why, WHY am I so into her? I've never felt attracted to feminine women previously, either cis or trans. Admired their esthetic beauty, sure, but not this deep, gut wrenching desire. And certainly never anything resembling a crush. So is Elle an exception to this (because she's trans?), or is my sexual orientation broadening in general?
I have no idea, and right now it frankly doesn't matter. What matters is her. I want to see her again. Talk with her. Cuddle with her. Play with her. Protect her... And fuck her senseless.
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