Today's realization: Masturbation fantasies that are really about dysphoria.
I guy in the international transmasc server I'm in, wrote that when having sex, he was imagining that his body was someone else's body. And damn, that struck a cord.
One of my most common masturbation fantasies is that I'm strapped into a sort of recording of somebody else's experience. A science fiction setting where you can do brain-to-brain interfaces and make full sensory recordings. If the masturbation I was doing, was truly somebody else's experience, then it had already happened. No point in resisting. It wasn't really my body or my experience.
The very first sex story I wrote, at age 15, was about someone tied up and blindfolded in a surprising (and therefore ultimately nonconsensual) way. In the end, it's left open whether it was really a dream or something that truly happened.
Several other fantasies of mine relate to consensual-nonconsent: The idea that you're strapped down and MADE to come. I always thought that this was caused by some sort of cultural shame or trauma or something, related to this fear I have of taking up space and being selfish.
And yeah, I'm sure that's part of it. But that shame, though.. I'm not typically ashamed of sex. So what was I feeling such shame for...? Could it be gender? Could it be dysphoria all along? Was imagining it all as happening to someone else or not having a choice in what was happening, a way to distance myself from my feelings of gender incongruence..?
If so, how the FUCK do I distinguish between sexual kinks on one hand and dysphoria-related survival strategies on the other?? You'd think it would be easy, but it isn't!
And if I "loose" all of those bondage- and cnc fantasies... What do I have left?
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