They are closer in age, Liberty is about 3 years older than Elle. As oposed to my 12 years. They also seem closer in temperament. Goofy, extremely creative, they share ideas and experiences on a very different level than Elle and I seem able to. Sexually they are also really compatible. I bring nothing to the table that she can't get from Liberty, and there's stuff Liberty can do (sexually) which I can't. In addition, she's cute, intelligent and interesting. And available. I constantly feel like I don't measure up compared to her, in bed or out of it.
I like her. I just want her to like me. She doesn't. She's afraid of me. Intimidated by me. She sees the mask of control I put on when I'm nervous, and thinks that's the real me. Thinks I'm really in control. Thinks I know what the fuck I'm doing all the time. Can't seem to see that it's masking. It's a coping strategy. Just like my grandmother with dementia, I control the situation and the conversation and thus appear more lucid than I really am.
I feel cast in the role of the popular kid at school. The bully who knew they were on top, and made sure to keep everyone else down. The very people me-as-a-child was afraid of. And now that apparently is me. Some big, scary creature. Like The Groak from Moomin. (Whilst I see myself more like a golden retriver, who just wants to play fetch and be scratched behind the ears. A lovable ball of fluff, who wouldn't hurt a fly. How can I be something so different in Liberty's eyes?!?)
She's clear that this is her anxiety talking, and she takes full responsibility for that. Fine. That doesn't really change anything for me, though. Her opinion matters to me. And right now, that opinion isn't as favourable as she seems to think it is.
Also, she's clear that she can't handle seeing me and Elle together. Even to the point of us being in the same building as her, when we play or cuddle. This is in the way of them moving in together. Even with separate bedrooms, it wouldn't be enough separation for Liberty. She couldn't handle having me there. So I'm in the way. Blocking perfectly feasible plans, through my sole existence. And there's nothing I can do about it.
Nothing except back out, that is. Remove myself from the equation. If Elle wasn't with me, she'd have more time to be with others (Libery included), they could move in together (away from Elle's crazy room mate), and Liberty wouldn't have so much anxiety about all of this. It solves everything for them.
Not for me though. And if I am to believe Elle, not for her either. She wants to be with me, or so she says. Me and Liberty both. I'm full of doubt about that, but in the end I still love her. I don't want to give her up, if I can find some other way. I just don't know how to fix this.
How do you make someone like you, when they clearly don't?
(Addendum: Evenings like this, I miss being able to cry. This feeling of "I'm just about to start crying" has lasted for hours and hours now. Getting it all out would have been a relief, but testosterone makes it almost impossible.)
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