Insurmountable?

Talking with Elle yesterday, I realized something: I don't expect our relationship to last. I'm frantically trying to get as much out of it as I possibly can, cram as much awesome into it as possible, because I feel that my days with her are very finite.

So anything that gets in the way of optimalizing our time together stresses me out, even something like one of us feeling tired or arriving a bit late. Because it feels like I'm waisting time that could be spent better. I can't just relax when I'm with her, can't just hang out in the same space. I don't just shrug and think we can always do whatever-important-thing some other time, because I'm constantly feeling like there won't be another time. That the entire relationship is on a timer.

Why? Because I firmly believe that she's better than me. 

She's younger, thin, fit, strong, gorgeous. Infinitely desirabile. She has so many options out there, why on earth would she stay with me? She's a 10, I'm a 2. At least in terms of appearance.

She doesn't see it that way, doesn't compare appearances like that, doesn't value her own looks. Just like someone who's always been privileged, don't see their own privilege. 

On the other hand, I know more than she does, about a lot of things. She says I challenge her intellectually, and she loves that about me. I'm good with words, curious, interested in lots of things, and generally like to think I have a functioning brain. But... I've always had that, so (like a privileged person) I don't put much stock in it. Don't value it. Don't see that as desirable.

Is it fatphobia talking? Dysphoria? I hate my body. Hate so much about myself. And I'm a mental health wreck. I can't wrap my head around why someone would want to be with me, but especially not someone magnificent looking like her. I constantly expect us to implode somehow. Not that she'll leave me, necessarily (though I find that likely), but that something somehow will break us.

I might have been burnt by my short relationship with Cord too. We went from all lovey-dovey to complete flaming breakup in a matter of a few hours. There were issues, sure, but there's always issues in a relationship. Question is if they're surmountable or not.

I don't want to loose her, I want us to work out.. Though I don't know if we will, if I keep being so high strung around her. This might be a self-fulfilling prophecy.. And I don't know how to step out of that spiral. Just like I don't know how to make someone like me when they initially don't, I don't know how to make myself trust someone (or some situation) when I initially don't. I worry that might be what's insurmountable in the end.