Stop throwing them balls they can't catch

I spoke with Might last night. He actually hadn't intended to go no contact at all. He'd just been busy with his dad, doing chores and working outside for hours. His phone was left indoors while he did. He recognizes that his last message absolutely could be interpreted that way, but it really wasn't his intention.

That changed everything for me. In a heartbeat I went from being an emotional wreck, to being almost regulated again. The fact that he admitted fault. That he recognized what had happened, saw it from my perspective. Apologized. It meant the world to me. 

It leaves me wondering, though... My downwards spiral when I felt abandoned and ignored was really steep, really unpleasant. I could see that my dysregulation wasn't entirely his fault, I could see myself being irrational, but that didn't really make it any easier to deal with. The abruptness of it all feels like a conditioned response, to me. A trigger. My brain saw something it recognized as danger / harm, and responded accordingly. 

Was I always like this? 

Yes, to some degree. I've always hated it when people don't respond in a timely manner, or don't communicate properly. I've always been afraid to lower my guard, only to be abandoned, betrayed, mocked. That's how the bullies did it, when I was a teenager. They'd seem nice, they'd lure me in, and then flip everything on it's head. Mock me, laugh at me. So this fear is probably ingrained from when I was a child. 

However, it seems worse now. More frantic, more high-strung. Easier to flip into fight-or-flight. Is this what my relationship with Novice did to me? And to some extent Saint and T before her? Because I WAS abandoned, again and again and again. Left to deal with my own feelings, regulate myself, while they pulled back from me. Novice in particular, much more often than the other two. Because that relationship was also a lot more turbulent than the other two. 

I had to ignore my own needs, again and again, because she "couldn't help it". Accepting that I had to sacrifice my needs for her, but couldn't expect her to do the same back. Because she "couldn't". Maybe I couldn't either. I thought I could, and I did.. But every time I put my own needs on hold, I suspect I've caused myself a wound. 

To be clear: I don't blame her. She really couldn't help it, she had to take care of herself. If she hadn't, she probably wouldn't be here. I blame myself. 

I blame myself for not putting down clear boundaries, setting clear expectations.. And then responding accordingly when my needs weren't met. I don't mean leaving at the first sign of trouble, but by recognizing that sometimes loving someone isn't enough to keep them as a full-time partner. If someone obviously can't catch the ball, stop throwing balls at them and then get sad when the ball hits the ground.

I don't know if this insight will actually change anything. Understanding your own patterns, and actually changing your behavior, are two VERY different things. However, it's a step in the right direction. I hope.