Radio silence from Might

After the news that Might hadn't performed the treatment for scabies properly, I was (understandably) really stressed out and upset. I started making plans for how to deal with it, explaining to him that we're basically back to scratch. His dad seems to think that doing only 75% of the recommended treatment time should be fine. That the risk isn't that great. And respectfully: I don't care, this isn't his call. 

I agree that 75% is a lot better than nothing, but I'm not willing to take the risk that Saint and my kids will have to go through this process again. Especially since Might already tried treating the scabies earlier this year, and failed. So I'm taking NO unnecessary risks. 

I will consider Might untreated and contagious until I know he's done a full, continuous 24 hours of treatment according to the recommendations. So no "a bit extra on the most important spots". No "it's probably ok without another round". No! He'll do this properly, or I can't be around him. And I don't trust him to do all the right steps without my supervision, he's proven he can't be trusted in this regard.

Might, logically, was very upset. He grew really overwhelmed and sad, obviously blaming himself. As he should. I know he doesn't want to cause harm. However, he then went no contact. Complete radio silence. Causing harm. 

His last message said that he'd understand it if I didn't want to talk with him again. And to be fair, the thought has struck me. However, we have a full weekend together in just a week, and I want us to try to work through this. Yes, he's messed up, but if we work at it we could be ok. However, that won't happen if he runs away from it all. Novice did the same thing, running away from me when she was self-critical or sad, and didn't feel she was good enough.

In what fucking world does running away from a problem EVER fix anything? In what fucking world does it help to leave the person you love hanging? First he messes up, then he just disappears. How does that actually enable him to make amends, or to build up the trust again? He messed up, why am I the one now being left hanging? Shouldn't he be reaching out to me, ensuring that I'm ok, trying to make things up to me? Why does he get to run, leaving me to coordinate and plan and research? 

Why do I always have to be the strong one, the capable one? Why does no one who actually has got their shit together, want to be with me? Why do I always end up with these people that need me to "save" them? 

His silence is leaving me increasingly dysregulated. THAT isn't his fault, directly. It's my own insecure attachment that is freaking out. Silence is interpreted as dislike. Hatred. Certainly not love. Logically, I know he's (like Novice) taking the steps he need to survive. Taking care of himself by stepping away from it all. Regulating himself. It just IS NOT working for me. 

I'm not certain I can do this again. He needs to step up, to prove that he's willing to work on himself and on our relationship. If he isn't prepared to do the work, and ABLE to do the work, then I'm right back to where I was with Novice 6 months ago. I'm not certain I can do that again.

Broken trust and micro-managing

As an autistic person, I have a need for control and predictability. The more tired or stressed I am, the larger this need grows and the more rigid I become. I remember when I first became a parent and went on practically no sleep, that I would get extremely stressed out if things weren't exactly so.

After a long day, going to Might's place, being there around 7pm at the earliest, I'm tired. I need to know that there is food in the house that I want to eat, that I have the beverage and snack that I left there last time etc. I told him this pretty early on, and he's been good with simply leaving my stuff alone. So that works out well. 

However, on four occasions we've made plans for him to do some shopping before I arrive. It's simply more practical than me having to do the shopping really late, arriving even later and more tired. However, on all of those occasions, he's not actually gotten all the things we talked about him buying... Nor has he let me know that he didn't get them. Three times he's bought the wrong product, not reading closely enough on the label (despite a detailed shopping list, and on one of those occasions I even sent him a picture to make sure). Once he got home without having bought what we agreed at all. And didn't tell me. 

I've begun to expect this level of inconsistency from him, so I'm asking a lot more follow-up questions now: Did you buy X thing (not just "did you get everything", because he'll say yes, and then I'll discover later that he actually didn't). Which brand and type of X thing was it? Great. Did you buy Y thing as well? However, it feels infantalizing. Like I need to micro-manage him, like I don't trust him. Which is fair, he's shown he can't be trusted in this regard. It still feels wrong to do this to an adult man. The relationship doesn't feel like one of equals.

If he'd told me when I didn't find a certain item, or called me from the store to check with me that he'd understood correctly, I wouldn't be this stressed out. However, he doesn't do that. He leaves the store, and don't think about having to notify me about anything. Apparently, this has been a problem for him in his professional life as well; That he doesn't let others know when he's fallen short somehow. I call it an anxiety response. I say he's being afraid to admit weakness or fault, choosing the most immediate route away from that discomfort by completely shutting it out of his mind. Thereby "forgetting" to let people know. I don't think he does this on purpose at all, I think it's an unconscious anxiety response. However, he's completely denying being anxious or afraid of anything. So fuck if I know. 

Now he's done it again. This time it's a lot more serious than just getting the wrong item at the grocery store. Like I just wrote about, we have scabies. On Wednesday, we all started treatment. That treatment needs to be on for 24 hours, before being washed off. He knows this. He still washed it off after 18-19 hours, because he was going to a place without a proper shower and it seemed more practical to him. That's 5-6 hours too short, meaning we can't be certain that the treatment has had effect on him. 

This means he could still be contagious. It means he could still be contaminating his surroundings. His apartment should be safe, because he isn't there for many days now. But untreated, he can't go back there. I can't go back to being intimate with him, or to kink with him. He needs to be treated properly to be safe. Watch me be completely, 100% rigid about this. I am NOT exposing my family for this shit again. We're taking EVERY precaution now, to avoid having to go through another round.

The worst part, again, is that Might didn't tell me he'd removed the treatment many hours too early. The reason I found out was because I asked. Because I wasn't absolutely certain that he could follow the recommendations. I was right to be skeptical, and I fucking hate that I was right. 

I'm so angry that he couldn't follow even such simple instructions. I'm so angry that I can't trust him to think things through, or to ask if he's got questions. I'm so angry that I now will have to micro-manage him even more, to be able to be around him at all. I can't trust him. I WANT to trust him. Fuck!

Everyone messes up occasionally, and that I can forgive. He doesn't purposefully or maliciously try to hurt me. I trust that he doesn't actually want to cause harm. How many times, and how serious offences, can I forgive though? 

I understand why Novice says she might not forgive me. I still think my offence was less serious than this, but if this is how she feels, I get it. How can I be with someone if I can't trust them?

I hope Might and I get through the plans we have next weekend (B is also coming to town, sleeping on his couch). Safely. After that, hopefully we can try to find some sort of balance. Set down some ground rules. Rebuild. 

If we can. 

If he can. 

The itch, the fucking itch

So Might gave me scabies. He got it from a trans woman he'd had a sexual relationship with in January of 2024. (The same woman who was the batshit crazy roommate of Elle's, back when we were together.) He thought he was clean, having treated as recommended, but apparently it survived. So now, he needs a new round of treatment, and I need to be treated as well. What's much worse is that my kids, Saint and Novice also needs to be treated, as I've been in close contact with them (or in the case of Saint, live in the same household). I feel absolutely terrible that they're suffering. I don't know how I could have avoided it, and I'm thankful that I'm such a social recluse that those are the only people affected.. But still. 

Novice is angry with me for not telling her a couple of days sooner, when I spoke with my doctor. He said it was likely that it was scabies, and suggested I get it treated. But then Might's itch practically disappeared, so we started wondering if it could be something else. My doctor never looked at my skin, never examined anything. His judgement was based on what I said, how I presented things. I could have said things differently, and his conclusion would have been another. I didn't tell Novice, or Saint, because I wanted to be as certain as possible. Scabies treatment is expensive and extensive, it's not something you make someone go through unless they absolutely have to. 

She doesn't see it that way, because she ended up possibly contaminating other people during those two days. And I understand her anger at me. Just like I'm angry with Might, because he made me expose Saint, Novice and the kids to this. However, I know that anger is irrational. He did the best he could at the time, he thought he was clean. I'm allowed to be angry, feelings are permitted. At the same time, I can acknowledge that he doesn't deserve to be the recipient of that anger. Having two thoughts at once, and all that. 

I've also realized, during this process, that scabies is A LOT more common in Norway than I though. Almost everyone I talk with has gone through treatment at some point, or has a family member who has. A trans woman told me there's an epidemic among transfems in Oslo. They're 20-30 transfems who've all had to be treated multiple times this spring and summer.. And she'd just caught it again. T also told me that his girlfriend once caught it from some BDSM furniture at a kink club outside of Oslo. So apparently it's really common, it just isn't spoken about. 

Novice says she might not be able to forgive me for waiting those few days extra. For making her expose others. It makes me really, really sad. However, I can't do anything about that one way or another. I hope she'll accept me back in her life eventually. I still care deeply about her. I still want her in my life, and in the life of my family. I can only hope. 

And itch. 

Fucking hell, I hate this bug.

Novice anew: Topics for further review

Novice and I spent almost 12 hours together last night, and we talked about A LOT of things during that time. I struggle to make any sort of coherent narrative of those topics, but many of them were important to remember. I want to make a record her, so I can refer back to these things later, and so I can return and ponder them. So I'm just writing these out as unconnected paragraphs, because that's better than nothing:

What I've done for her:
She told me how much I'd meant for her, how much of a positive impact I'd made in her life. She now claims there's about a 50/50 chance she wouldn't have survived, if I hadn't helped her get hrt. She also said that I'd helped her grow emotionally, helped her deal with the growing emotional range that egg crack and estrogen gave her. It seemed very important to her that I believe her.

I struggled even hearing this. I was really tired, and could feel myself dissociating while she was talking. It was so fucking hard to hear these things NOW, when I so longed to hear them while we were together. We spoke of these things several times back then, and the conclusion was always the opposite: That I've provided useful information on occation, sure, but that she would have managed just fine on her own. That I hadn't really made any significant impact, that she never really needed me.

I've written about all the ways she didn't need me, before. I know she read that, and never voiced any protests. So this entire topic surprised me a lot, and honestly I struggle to believe it. It goes so much against what she's said before. She claimed she didn't understand what I wanted then, but that's the point: If you fish for reassurance, and receive it, it isn't worth much. For example, being told you're beautiful is always nice (and obviously preferable to being told you're ugly), but if you asked what they thought first, it's worth 10% or less of the unprompted compliment. If you even find the prompted one believable at all. 

So I struggle to believe her now, when she's said polar opposite things several times before. On the other hand, I know she doesn't lie to me. Not on purpose, anyway. 

Hiding sides of herself:
That's another thing we talked about: How there are sides of herself that she hides. From me, and from herself. Things she's afraid of, ashamed of, or that in other ways makes her uncomfortable. To some degree, I think we all do that. However, from what I can gather, there's more to her particular brand of this... If someone makes a guess at my mood, feelings or thoughts, and they're wrong.. I'll let them know. I'll share what I'm feeling, to help them get to know me better. At least if there's any degree of trust there. 

It seems, from what she's now told me, that she often don't let me know when I guess wrong. She in stead lets me assume I'm right, she doesn't say or indicate anything to the contrary. Leaving me to therefore make decisions on the basis of faulty information. Information she knows is faulty. That feels like lying, to me. After all, if person A says "I think you feel X, and therefore I will now do THIS based upon that"... And person B knows that what they're feeling is Y, and doesn't correct A's assumption.. Isn't that at least lying by omission? 

She claims this process is at least partially subconscious. That she doesn't consciously know that I'm wrong a lot of the time, hiding these thoughts and emotions from herself as much as from me. So I can't really hold it against her. But even if it's not conscious in the moment, she has sometimes realized it afterwards right? So there's some degree of awareness there. She could have told me then, maybe? I don't know, it just feels... Off. Somehow. 

It bugs me, it makes me slightly apprehensive, but in the grand scale of things it doesn't really matter. I still care about her deeply and want to spend time with her. I accept this about her, even though I don't particularly enjoy it. Like I've said time and time again: She's worth it.

Internalized homophobia:
We talked about how I doubt that she was ever physically attracted to me. That she's never shown any sign of being attracted to anyone who weren't a woman or at least vaguely female presenting. I've claimed that she's really sapphic, that my growing masculinization was part of what made her distance herself from me. We've spoken about this before, and she's always told me I'm wrong. Claimed she's pan-romantic, so genders doesn't matter. Explaining that she doesn't feel aesthetic attraction like most people seem to do, which is why I've never seen any sign of her feeling attraction towards men. 

However, yesterday something seemed to click: She was more open to actually considering my words this time, feeling her feelings. Not just being defensive and denying it all. And she made a discovery: A lot of it is probably internalized transphobia (of the brand: "she can't really be trans, she's REALLY a man") combined with internalized homophobia (like: "men aren't supposed to feel attracted to other men, that's wrong").

So she's terrified. Of course she is. She's a woman, and she's always wanted, needed, to be seen as a woman. Treated like a woman. Not just socially, but sexually: She wants to be seduced, she wants to be the bottom, the receiving partner. She wants be penetrated. When you grow up thinking you're a boy, OF COURSE those needs must have triggered some internalized homophobia. I've written so many blog post here, going over the same stuff with regards to myself and my attraction towards women. 

However, she isn't into men in a gay way. She isn't a homosexual man. She can't be, she's a woman. She's more into men in a straight way, I think. At least to the degree that someone as queer as her can do anything in a straight way. 

We didn't finish talking about this, because it freaked her out so much. So I didn't get to wonder if some of it also internalized transphobia of the brand that she thinks she isn't a "real" woman? Not "as good as" cis women. Maybe she didn't feel she was "allowed" to feel attracted to predominantly straight men, that this would be overstepping somehow? (To be clear, I don't believe this. She is a real woman, and she is just as good as cis women. Honestly, in my eyes she's better. Of course straight men might be attracted to her, that's not overstepping at all.) 

The reason I'm writing this, is because I've thought these things about myself. I still do, to a large degree. I'm read as a man now, mostly. However, I'm nonbinary, not a "real man". Even if I were a binary trans man, I still wouldn't be a "real man". I recognize this for the bullshit transphobia that it is, but that doesn't make the feelings any less real. So it's possible she feels similar things. If she's able to feel those feeling at all, that is. 

The sudden change of behavior after the break-up:
I also tried to make sense of the sudden shift in her when she dumped me. How she went from not being able to touch me, look at me, barely even speak to me.. To being right back to the loving, tactile, engaging partner she'd been at the beginning. 

She tried to explain it by using a box metaphor: The box of "relationship" contained so much stuff that muddied it. She knew she wasn't able to fill my needs, she didn't feel she deserved me, she was afraid of the future, afraid of failing me, felt inadequate, felt strangled by me, and so many other things. By emptying that box on its head and throwing the box itself out, she also got rid of all that mud. 

We're now in a "friends or something" box, which isn't the same box. So even though this box contain many of the same things.... We trust each other, love each other, cuddle, cry, hug, play board games, talk, laugh, discuss.. The mud isn't there. She says the main thing was not being responsible for my well-being anymore. Meeting my needs aren't her responsibility, she doesn't have to feel so inadequate. 

To me, it doesn't really make sense.. Maybe I'm too much of a relationship anarchist, but to me there's very little difference between a really good, non-sexual, romantic relationship... And whatever "friendship" we have now. I mean, this box contain the same things, after all. This love is NOT how I feel about my friends. If it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck.. 

No, I don't want to go back to having her as a full time partner either. Not now. It wasn't good for either of us. However, that doesn't mean that this isn't also a sort of romantic relationship, in my eyes. We've just thrown away the relationship escalator all together. We're letting it be whatever it can be, in stead of forcing it into a mold which isn't work. That's how I feel, at least.

Gah, I don't know. If this box analogy makes sense to her, I'm glad for her. That's better than both of us being confused. And I'm glad she wants us to remain "friends or whatever this is". She's important to me, I think we can be good for one another, and I don't want to lose her altogether. To quote myself from just before we broke up: "I want every part of her that she will give me, and I want to be with her for as long as she'll let me."

I'm glad she at least tried to offer some sort of explanation. Maybe this will be a seed that enables me to make more sense of her sometime in the future. For now, I'll just have to conclude that women work in mysterious ways. People like me should just feel blessed to be honored by their company. 

And I do. I really do. 

Novice anew: A balancing act

When Novice and I met on Sunday, we agreed that we enjoy each other's company and want to remain in each other's lives. We don't want to enter into any sort of romantic or sexual relationship again, at least not for a long time. However, we care about each other and don't want to lose what we still have.

I still struggle not just to assume that I'm imposing on her. I spent so many months basically feeling unwanted by her, after all. However, she does little things now that help silence that fearful voice in my head. Like reaching out to me, looking at me. Telling me, with words, that this is what she wants. I still trust her, to a large degree. Even though I'm also a bit emotionally.. skittish. 

When I was about to step onto the bus to leave on Sunday, we hugged for the first time since I moved out. That hug seemed to trigger something in her. Some need for connection, emotional intimacy, safety. So last night we met again. We ended up spending almost 12 hours together, I got home at 6am in the morning. 

We talked, we smiled, we played a round of a board game we love, and we cuddled. A lot. Wrapping around each other on the couch, arms and legs intertwined. She cried in my arms, feeling both vulnerable and safe with me. (I wish I was able to cry too, I felt the need to. The testosterone makes those things a lot harder, so I couldn't.) She told me she loved me, both with nonverbal signals and with actual words. Repeatedly and freely. That surprised me, I didn't think she still did. I love her too, and told her as much.

We had a theoretical discussion (on how trans people talk about their own gender in the past), that went really well. We didn't agree, but we were respectful and communicated really well throughout. We couldn't have done that a year ago, I think. I've grown so much during this relationship. She's made me a lot less selfish, more willing to put my own immediate needs on hold for the people I care about. More willing to listen.

We spoke of our past, present and future. Of the things that went really, really badly in our relationship, and the things that went really well. We recognize that interacting like we do now, with emotional intimacy and physical proximity, is risky. It's a slippery slope, because we're constantly being reminded of how good we were together. I wrote about this already back when we broke up, that I must try to avoid drowning in the dream of us. I felt the instinctual need to kiss her several times last night, but I stopped myself. That would be crossing some sort of boundary, and she's verbally very clear on what side of that boundary she wants us to be on. (Although her body language and other non-verbal cues aren't as clear, frankly. So I think she's feeling these things too.)

Despite the emotional vulnerability, the physical proximity, the cuddling, the obvious and instant connection I feel when I'm with her like this.. I don't feel like I'm falling for her again. I can't fall. I already love her. However, it's a different kind of love. The fact that I'm hooked on Might, crushing on Might, acts as a sort of.. Safety cushion. The limerence, the all-encompassing obsession I feel for someone I'm in love with, isn't there with Novice anymore. She described it as allowing ourselves to be warmed by the residual heat of the coals. Which is an apt metaphor.

It IS risky, though. I can see this slipping back into that obsessive limerence again, if we were to see a lot of each other in a short amount of time. I can also see us going out of bounds if we're for example drunk. However, she's busy on her end and I've also got other stuff to do. I've got work, and Might, and a family. By NOT prioritizing each other that much, I think we can perform this balancing act. There's so much good that we want to keep, so much we love about each other and our friendship as it stand now. Throwing that out completely, going back to zero, isn't something we want either. 

So we keep balancing.

An island or an ant hill?

Today marks 11 weeks since my relationship with Novice ended. Until a few days ago, I'd only met and spoken with her once since that break, in late July. An extremely difficult meeting that made me spiral pretty badly. 

This Sunday we met up again for around 3 hours, and it wasn't anything like the meeting in July. It wasn't completely comfortable either, we were both anxious and a bit on edge... But it felt very similar to how we were able to talk and interact in the day after she dumped me; Familiar, compatible. Exhausting as well, sure, but so, so good.

She told me about the issue she'd been mulling over back in July, when she said "we need to talk". It related to privacy, and how she felt I'd severely overstepped when I'd told people that we were over. She needs control over who knows what about her, and it made her very uncomfortable when I told others about this issue without her knowledge. She also found it uncomfortable when I'd asked her for information about a common friend of ours. She didn't think that was her information to spread, if I wanted to know I should have asked that friend directly.

To me, these are related. I view my friends group as a loosely connected collective. Almost like ants in an anthill, we each live our lives and do our thing. But if one of us is in trouble, the others will need to know about it and will want to come and help. To me, this expectation of some degree of mutual aid is a given. I probably wouldn't be friends with them otherwise. Not everyone can help out each time, but if everyone helps out as much as they can, then most of the collective's needs will be met. To quote Marx: "From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs". 

However, this only works if information is also shared. We need to know about other people's needs and troubles, in order to allocate time and resources to them. At the same time, having 5 or 10 or 15 people each reaching out to a person in trouble to ask what they can do is extremely inefficient. It even makes the burden on the person in need larger. So information must be shared, so that the aid can be coordinated and efficient.

When a friend of ours was in the hospital, I told others that were close to him. When me and Novice ended, and I was really, really worried about her mental health, I told others that I knew cared about her. When a friend of ours was struggling, I asked Novice for information about the situation. To me, this is a given. It didn't even occur to me, that she might not have the same perspective. 

Does this mean I can't keep secrets? No, of course not. I kept Novice gender a secret for a year, for example. That should be proof enough. However, most things going on in someone's lives obviously aren't secret. To live as though it is, seems bordering on paranoia to me. 

What's the difference between information sharing and gossip? To me, again, this is obvious: Gossip doesn't have the intent to help someone, and can often be malicious or at least scandalous in some way. Gossip is also spread to people outside of the immediate friends group. I expect close friends to help me out when I'm in trouble, that doesn't mean that I want for example random people in my kid's school to know details about my life. The difference here is also completely obvious to me.

I wasn't aware how fundamental this is to my view of the world, until we talked it through. Like the autistic person I am, I just assume that everyone sees things this same way. Her perspective is fundamentally different from my own. She values privacy and individualism in a way I can't really comprehend. To me, her viewpoint seems like such a lonely way to see the world. As if each person is an island, completely disconnected from any others around it. 

However, the fact that I can't understand this in her, doesn't make any of our perspectives "right" or "wrong". Like she'd concluded as well: We're just very, very different in this regard. 

I don't think I could have acted differently in that situation. I acted according to my nature and did what I thought was right. Isolated, I still think it's right. However, I also see that I hurt her. If I could have gone back in time, I would at least have voiced my concern to her first and asked her if I might tell specific people about our break-up. I didn't do that, and I'm sorry. 

I'm also sorry that she felt hurt and violated by this betrayal. I care deeply about her and don't wish to hurt her. I can apologize for hurting her, even when I'm not sure I could have acted otherwise. After all, hitting someone with your car by accident, still hurts them. Even if you didn't mean to, and couldn't have acted differently in the situation. So it's still your responsibility.

Novice: I'm sorry I betrayed your trust in me. I didn't mean to hurt you. I can't promise it won't happen again, we're very different in this regard after all. However, I want to work on understanding your perspective better, and thereby hopefully avoiding doing something similar again. Your well-being is important to me, as is your trust in me. I want to remain worthy of your trust, and I'm grateful that you're still in my life.

A fantasy with Might

We're at a bdsm party. I'm wearing a mesh top, my leather harness, and a black kilt. Underneath, I've got normal underwear. Shoes and black socks. I also have my collar on, the collar he's made me. 

After the first 30-45 minutes, we've done the first bit of socializing. The board has welcomed everyone and the formal stuff is over. Might tells me to go get changed. I know what that means, we've talked about it beforehand. I want this, I really do, but it also scares me. Makes me embarrassed. 

I balk at his words at first, fear in my eyes. He moves so he's standing over me, takes ahold of my collar and tilts my head up so I have to look him in the eyes. Repeating himself, he tells me to go get changed. Asks if I want him to come with me. Embarrassed, almost teary eyed, I nod.

We walk over to where we stashed our things. I remove the mesh shirt, but put the leather harness back on. Remove the kilt and my underwear, put on the shiny black fetish bottom instead. It's tiny, like a men's pantie, with a zipper going all the way underneath. The zipper is closed, for now. But I know what's coming. Socks remain on, as do the shoes.

Might clips a leash to my collar, and attatches my hands on my back. He also brings our small bag of toys, including a water bottle and a large towel. In only shoes, socks, pantie and harness, hands on my back, I walk back out with him. Might makes a show of socializing some more. Seeking out friends of ours. We sit with them for 15-20 minutes, just having normal conversations. 

Most of my body out on display. I feel scared, embarrassed, incredibly self-concious. The entire time, Might is there. The leash on his wrist, his hand casually on my body. Resting on a thigh or holding around my waist, or draped over my shoulder. Occasionally, he reminds me to straighten up. I won't be permitted to slough and try to hide myself.

Eventually, we move to an available corner to play. Still in full view of the room, but somewhat out of the way. Might spreads out the towel and helps me to kneel on it. He then puts a blindfold on me, and tells me to spread my legs. Reminding me to keep my back straight, my chest up and forward. I'm facing the room, but blindfolded. I can't know who's looking at me. Then he opens the zipper between my legs. (Carefully, so as not to snag on hairs or skin.) 

Using his fingers, he fondles me a tiny bit. Just enough to make sure my pussy is wet and open. Then he let's go and just leaves me standing there, for a while. Blindfolded, kneeling, back straight, chest forward, legs spread, zipper open. Stand on display. Silent. Helpless. 

A few minutes pass, and might unlocks my hands from behind my back. I'm still blindfolded, he tells me to get down on all fours. And then turn around, so my ass is towards the room, and I'm facing the wall. He cuffs my hards together in front of me, and tell me to put my chest on the floor, but keep my ass up and my legs spread. 

The zipper is still open. He fondles me again, just enough to spread some moisture around. Then leaves me standing like that. The wetness means I can feel every breeze, every movement. I'm acutely aware of being completely available. At the same time, the pantie gives some shade, my body is low to the floor and we're generally out of the way. So we shouldn't be disturbing anyone, who doesn't want to see. If they WANT to see, however.. The can see practically everything.

I'm so ridiculously embarrassed now, but also incredibly horny. I trust that Might is responsible for this social situation. It's not up to me to read the room, to pay attention to people's facial expressions or looks. I obviously didn't choose to be exposed like this, I can blame Might. I can just relax. Just be. Dripping wet.

There's some background music, and I'm blindfolded, so I can't really tell what's going on around us. Might is also focused on us, on me, even when just letting me stand there and marinate in my own exhibitionism. He doesn't talk to anyone.

After leaving me kneeling for some time, he helps me up on my feet and gives me some water. Standing very close to my blindfolded face, a hand on my collar, he tells me he wants to see me use the Satisfyer on myself. Silently, while standing upright. I balk at the idea, I can't possibly use a vibrator on myself in a room full of people. I tell him no!

I'm not allowed to say no to him tonight, we both know it. He grabs hold of me. One hand on my collar, the other hand pinching my skin on my thigh or my side or wherever he can easily reach. No warm up, no gentleness, just pain. I gasp, then whimper, then a low scream: "Fine! Fine! I'll do it!"

Still blindfolded, hands chained in front of me, I'm given the Satisfyer. I partially zip up the panties, with Might's help, then place the vibrator between my legs and turn it on. My legs help muffle the sound a fair bit. Once it's on and situated where I need it to be, Might grabs my cuffed wrists and holds them up against the wall for a while. 

Once I'm really warmed up and ready to increase the speed, he let's me do that. Then he holds my arms up against the wall again. Helpless. 

It's difficult for me come in this situation. It takes time, and patience. Might is standing close to me, one hand holding my wrists. The other one eventually grabs hold around my throat, his legs placed so I can't move my legs apoart. I lean into his hand, increasing the pressure. And then I orgasm. Silently, in a room full of people. 

Making "shushing" noises, Might holds me as I spasm. I try not to whimper, but it's so fucking intense. Eventually I tap out, and he lets go of me. I turn the vibrator off, and then lean against him shaking. 

Might becomes mine

Today (September 5th), Might became my boyfriend. We're counting the relationship from August 1st, when we had our first date.. But it's taken him 5 weeks to realize he's actually in love with me. 

He's said he loves me. I'm still not sure I trust that. He doesn't really feel his feelings much, and everything positive seems very muted. (Because of dysthymia, I guess.) He's never been in a real relationship before, and most of the time his emotions are buried deep.

However, he says he WANTS to love me. Wants to be with me. That I can belive in. I'm obviously good for him. And he's obviously good for me; Letting me explore the bottom role, and doing some forays into submission as well. I feel seen. Appreciated. 

He touches me. He's both telling me and showing me that he enjoys touching me. Touching me and looking at me (especially when I'm tied down helpless) turns him on. A lot. Novice used to touch me too, and she seemed to enjoy it, but I never felt attractive in her eyes. She didn't feel or express esthetic attraction like that. As I grew more masc, she also grew more distant (correlation, not causation.. But still.) Belle gave me masc-sounding compliments, but I didn't believe in my own masculinity then. So I didn't believe her at all. 

In a way, Might is the first one to ever BOTH see me as something fairly masculine AND make me believe that he actually likes what he sees. It's wonderfully affirming.

I still miss Novice. It's been 10 weeks now, since she ended things between us. I still love her. Not with the same obsessive, all-encompassing fireceness that I used to.. But it's still love. 

I don't want to get back together with her again, her leaving was absolutely the right thing for the both of us.. But I still love her. Still miss her. And I still say she was worth it. The fact that I'm moving on now, with Might, doesn't change that. I'm glad I got to know her, glad I learned to love her. She's important to me, and I really hope we can remain friends.