Changed gender on Fetlife

On Thursday, I removed the word "woman" from my Fetlife bio. Today I actually changed my gender on Fetlife to Non-binary. And it feels like a fucking big deal. I'm crying here. Don't really know what I feel, it's such a big tangle of emotions... That's why I write. It helps me untangle, a bit.

The biggest part, I think, is fear. Fear of being wrong, of changing my mind, of not being "trans enough". Fear of what people will think, what questions they might ask.. Because I don't know the answers. I don't know... Anything, it seems.

This song has really hit a sore spot these last few weeks. Especially the parts in the lyrics where he sings "loved the others, but didn't love who you were" and "under water to scream, so no one can hear you". Well, basically the entire chorus:

"They said you danced on roses

They said you never missteped

But there was one thing you were missing

It was the smile in your own mirror

The dive in the ocean 

Into freedom for you 

Underwater to scream 

So no one could hear you"

And the reason I think this really hits a nerve is because... I'm not ok. I might not EVER have been ok. I've been drawn towards trans narratives, gender non-conforming narratives, lgbt+ narratives since my early teens. I've educated myself on lgbt+ issues, I've read up on trans-related topics, I've felt drawn towards trans people... For SO MANY YEARS. I've been an EXCEPTIONAL ally, in fact better/more informed /more open minded than several gay people I know.

Why did I REALLY cut my hair super short in 2018. Yeah, sure it was a really hot summer, and I had a young baby pulling my hair.. Those were my excuses.. But I remember that feeling of getting out of the shower those first few weeks afterwards and looking in the mirror... That's not just "happy with a new hair cut". That's gender euphoria. And I still feel that way occasionally when looking at my hair, like it's just RIGHT. It fits.

My question now is: How far will this go. Is nonbinary where I will end up? Will I swing back towards femme, confirming that I'm genderfluid? Or will I swing further out to the masc side? Will I ever "land" somewhere, or will my gender keep changing?

I don't WANT it to change. Having my gender be easily definable and static feels SO MUCH simpler than having it be fluid. I could probably explain to my parents and siblings if it was a static thing, but I doubt they'll accept any fluidity. Especially my sister, who's just ridiculously judgmental.

Gah, I don't know. 

A friend asked me tonight what pronouns I prefer. I said I don't know. After thinking about it, I think I'd PREFER they/them in English. But will accept she/her too (don't want to be difficult.. Also, why would I insist on something, or get offended by something when I don't really have a firm idea myself..). In Norwegian, the equivalent is "hen" for a gender neutral pronoun, though I'll accept "hun/henne" også.